


Indemnification

by sadhuening



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Huening Kai, Client Huening Kai, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Humor, Hate to Love, M/M, Mention of alcohol-and drug-use, Mention of eating disorder, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Personal Trainer Soobin, Pining, Sexual Tension, Top Choi Soobin, kind of, mentions of bullying, oh the irony, so much pining, they're both dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhuening/pseuds/sadhuening
Summary: “Isn't the whole purpose of a dating profile to introduce yourself? This is me."The blond-haired man scoffs. "The purpose of a dating profile is to present yourself as a datable individual, who isn't weird at all for falling back to online dating in the first place. So in your case: be a little less you.""Yeonjun!" Soobin whines and drops his head down, cradling his face in his arms on the kitchen table."Start over," Yeonjun orders; he leans over and promptly deletes the short personal essay Soobin had written about himself. "Write about where you grew up, about your hobbies and what you are looking for in a partner. Something normal. Pretend to be a respectable person."Soobin twists his neck and peers up at the stern older man, his expression pinched. "That sounds exhausting."Yeonjun smacks him upside the head.(Soobin just wants a boyfriend, that's all. Apparently getting someone who would binge-watch food networks with you also means saying hi to your previous fuck-ups and facing the damned life you'd left behind.How wonderful.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai, Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 35
Kudos: 564





	Indemnification

_I'm Choi Soobin and it’s a general consensus that I'm gay as fuck. I make no apologies for who I am, regardless of how uncomfortable I make other people feel, or how befuddled they are by my lifestyle. My coming-out story is succinct: "I'm here, I'm queer; pass the potatoes please, Dad". His reaction? Well, he passed me the potatoes. By the way thank you for that, dad._

_In my life, I've been many things, so I guess you could say I've been nothing at all, not really. I worked as a dog-walker, a nanny – until the owner started to hit on me and it got too weird –, a personal shopper, a florist, a dance instructor, a diving instructor, a cruise ship waiter, and there was that awkward time I lied myself into a position as a masseuse at a health spa and didn't know what the fuck I was doing._

_I'm a personal trainer now. And I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing because hell I don’t even like moving my body let alone exercising. But don’t worry about that. I'm excitable, boisterous and chatty with people I’m comfortable with and, depending on who you ask, I'm either personable or insufferable. I love puppies and kittens and other people's kids. And one time, at band camp—_

"Damnit you can't write that, Soobin!"

Soobin blinks at his friend and pulls his laptop away from him. "Why not? It's true."

"It too true," his friend supplies. "You should tone it down a little."

"Isn't the whole purpose of a dating profile to introduce yourself? _This_ is me."

The blond-haired man scoffs. "The purpose of a dating profile is to present yourself as a datable individual, who isn't weird at all for falling back to online dating in the first place. So in your case: be a little less _you_."

"Yeonjun!" Soobin whines and drops his head down, cradling his face in his arms on the kitchen table.

"Start over," Yeonjun orders; he leans over and promptly deletes the short personal essay Soobin had written about himself. "Write about where you grew up, about your hobbies and what you are looking for in a partner. Something normal. Pretend to be a respectable person."

Soobin twists his neck and peers up at the stern older man, his expression pinched. "That sounds exhausting."

Yeonjun smacks him upside the head.

"Give that thing back to me." He grabs the laptop and pulls it away before Soobin can untangle himself and reaches for it. He speaks as he starts typing: _"Hi, I'm Choi Soobin… I grew up in Busan before moving to Seoul when I was sixteen. I'm independent, I like traveling, cooking and baking and trying new things. My best friend, Choi Yeonjun, is the most amazing man in the world,"_ he pauses typing and shoots a cheeky look down at his friend, _"—but, unfortunately, he's taken, so now I'm looking for the second most amazing man in the world."_

"Your lips are moving but all I hear is 'Punch me in the face. Punch me in the face'," Soobin grumbles.

Yeonjun laughs and his fingers start to type again. _"I'm looking for—"_

"A six-foot guy with wide hips—"

"— _a_ nice _guy,"_ Yeonjun insists.

"With a swimmer's body—" He interjects with a grin.

" _Who is_ passionate and enthusiastic _about his hobbies and wants to introduce me to the things he loves doing."_

Soobin imitates a gagging noise.

Ignoring him, the other man continued. _"So if you're also looking for someone to share a life with, and you'd like to spend a Friday night on the couch with me—"_

"Exchanging blow jobs—"

"— _watching_ The Food Network!"

Soobin scrunches up his face. "You're making me sound like a feeder."

" _I'd like to meet you,"_ Yeonjun types on, _"and get to know you and do the things_ you _love."_

"A _lesbian_ feeder."

Yeonjun slams a fist on the table. "Goddammit, Soobin. Can't you be serious for once?"

Soobin sits up and defends his childish, antagonistic behavior. "How am I supposed to take this sappy shit seriously?"

"You're the one who has been bugging me to help you set up an online dating profile for the past two weeks!"

He slouches and lowers his chin into his palm. "I guess I had different expectations of it. It's weird."

Yeonjun sighs. "I get that," he says sympathetically. "But you weren't shitting me when you said you were lonely, right?"

Soobin casts his gaze down, embarrassed by the admissions he had made to his friend when he had been drunk and freshly dumped. Well if you count your _boyfriend_ of three weeks telling you he wants the freedom to fuck other men, while in the bathroom stall of a nightclub _with another man_ , as being dumped. He may have been drunk, but his sentiments were not untrue. He was approaching his mid-twenties and for the past five years he had been living the life he thought to be the gay man's dream: trying all kinds of clubs, having sex with strangers, dodging responsibilities and living according to his own schedule and his own rules. But after five years he realizes it’s not making him happy. He finds himself being jealous of his straight friends, who have all settled down, married a nice wife, owns a nice house, bought a nice car and have nice kids – nice enough, anyway.

And him? His life is empty. _He_ feels empty.

Soobin thought he could simply change and find the right person – the nice person he wanted to settle down with. He never had any trouble meeting plenty of people, but none of them shared his epiphany, none of them wanted to settle down. By his own engineering, he ended up surrounded by superficial people pursuing superficial, selfish goals: the next high, the next orgasm. He couldn't even find anyone to take him seriously; they laughed whenever he backed away when they were about to put their hands down his pants.

Seems like Soobin's reputation precedes him. That used to be a boost to his ego, but lately it makes him feel like a dick.

"You meant that, right?" Yeonjun repeats as he realizes his friend had gotten lost in his own thoughts.

"Yeah, I meant it," Soobin says morosely.

"Good, because I just uploaded your profile onto the website."

"What?!" Soobin turns the laptop around and stares at the verification notification. "With that lame shit you wrote?"

"Soobin, you have only gone on a handful of actual dates in the past decade; I'm _engaged_. Which one of us is the better judge to get you a boyfriend?"

"Probably not the guy who told me that it’s okay to eat dirt when I was drunk," The lavender-haired man deadpans.

Yeonjun slams the laptop shut. "Give it some time, okay?" He gets up from his seat and pats his friend's cheek in support. "I'm going to head home. Don't even bother trying to delete your profile; I changed the password." He flashes a grin. "This will be _fun_."

"You know what else is fun?" Soobin banters. "Killing my best friend."

"Doesn't sound like fun to me."

"Well, how would you know? You haven't tried it."

Yeonjun waves at him dismissively. "Just relax. What's the worst that could happen?"

Four days later Soobin walks into the gym for work, as a completely unsuspecting victim of "the worst that could happen". In the past few days, he had gotten some email responses to his profile on the dating site, but none of the men who had reached out to him sparked his interest. Their profiles were as bland as his; perhaps they too had a meddling friend, much like him, and they deserved the benefit of the doubt. But he never replied to "Sweater-Vest" Jisung, "Look at Me, I Went to SNU" Minyoung, Haneul the Accountant, "Posing by My Car" Suho, or any of the other guys.

The problem is quite simple: all of them are too normal and too respectable, exactly the kind of guy "Binge Watching Food Network" Soobin would attract – an imitation Soobin.

Mulling over his misery, he struts into the staff locker room and unlocks his locker to stuff his bag with a fresh change of clothes into it. He is already wearing his track shorts and a sports vest layered over a tank top.

Suddenly his locker is slammed shut and he stares at the toned hand pressed against the grey metal.

"Good morning, Mister Independent from Seoul who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing," his colleague begins teasingly.

_Oh God._ "What?" Playing dumb seems to be the only valid strategy.

In a prissy voice the other pesters him: _"I'm Choi Soobin. I like cooking and watching the Food Network and taking long walks on the beach."_

"Go take a long walk off a short cliff, Beomgyu," he retorts and storms off. They have a friendly enough relationship that he can handle him regularly mocking him, but this particular subject is sore.

"Oh, come on! It's funny!" He follows him out of the locker room and into the main area of the gym.

Soobin navigates between the rows of cardio equipment to the weights section in the back and starts getting ready for his first client of the day: preparing a selection of the weights they will be using, rolling out a mat, and placing bottles of water at the ready.

"I really like that picture you used," Beomgyu continues to badger him. "Turtleneck. Very bold."

He tries his best to ignore him. He grabs two towels from a cabinet and puts them by the bottles of water he has lined up.

“And the last sentence, wow, I didn’t know you—”

He slams the door hard.

"How did you even find out?" Soobin sighs.

Beomgyu grins. "You know Renjun?"

He searches his memory briefly and then concludes: "Your Wednesday four-thirty?"

"Hmhm. So, he was here yesterday and I had him on the treadmill – sight for sore eyes that man is," he remarks sarcastically, "All red-faced and sweaty. Anyway, he asked about you, in a roundabout way. I didn't even know he was gay. But what he ended up asking was whether a guy like you would really consider dating an 'average' guy like him. After a little back-and-forth, he told me about your profile on this stupid dating site."

Soobin releases a deep sigh. He should have known there’s a risk of his other friends and colleagues discovering his digital dating venture. For some irrational reason, it is embarrassing. He feels desperate and unwanted, like he can't even pretend otherwise because the truth is out.

"It's a joke though, right?" he asks.

"Why would you say that?"

"Oh, fuck you, Soobin!" Beomgyu lets out a hearty laugh and punches his shoulder. "As if you would ever consider dating any of those losers on that website."

He cringes. "I don't think that's fair to say."

"Shut _up_ ," Beomgyu drawls. "Don't pretend like you don't care about looks. You'd never fuck anyone below a nine. Except for that one guy who was maybe a five, but we all knew he was a pity fuck. It was _Pride_ , he had the guts to ask you to dance – good for him. But that's not you."

Soobin scrunches up his face. _Not my proudest moment, but not for the reason he thinks_.

"And maybe that's exactly what I don't like about myself; what I don't like about my life," he snaps back. "Yeah, I've fucked a lot of hot guys, but I think it's fair to say – after _five_ years – that's not really the kind of guy I should be looking for or I would have had someone in my life right now, one that stuck around."

Beomgyu quirks an eyebrow and puts his hands on his hips. He challenges, with a mischievous look: "You'd date a guy like Renjun, just because he's the kind of guy that might stick around?"

"I don't know him," The tall man counters, "But what I'm saying is I wouldn't _not_ date him because he doesn't look a certain way. I know I used to be like that, but it's time for a change." He nods at his own resolve.

"Hm. I'll make sure to pass it to him next week."

"Fine. Please do." He refrains himself from making a face as he pictured Renjun. Not the man is ugly, because he’s not by all means, he’s average and…. not his type. And changed man or not Soobin does have a type.

"Please do what?" Taehyun asks as he approaches his fellow trainers, looking fit as ever in his black yoga pants and plain t-shirt.

"Nothing," Soobin says through gritted teeth.

Taehyun frowns and Beomgyu drapes an arm around his tanned shoulders. "Don't worry, I'll get you up to speed during the Pilates class."

"Don't you have a client?"

"She canceled this morning. Got wasted probably."

"On a Wednesday night?"

Beomgyu cups Taehyun's small face. "Oh, my sweet, innocent prince."

The two of them walk off together just as Soobin's first client steps through the front door of the gym. He waves the man over and quickly goes over his new workout regimen with him and fits him with a heart-rate monitor around his chest before getting started.

If he were more petty, he would tell Taehyun that Beomgyu has had a secret crush on him ever since he joined their gym as the resident dietician and Pilates and Yoga instructor last year – to get revenge on Beomgyu, his frequent tormentor. But he’s not like that. He also isn't going to rub it in Beomgyu's face that nothing is ever going to happen between him and Taehyun because the young instructor already branded Beomgyu as his ‘best friend’ and regularly fell in love with his straight male clients.

Later in the morning, the gym becomes busier. Soobin has two clients in the morning and one after lunch; after that he’s on floor-duty for the rest of the day: stepping in when people aren't using the equipment properly, giving advice and tips, and trying to sell two-year membership plans to curious walk-ins. Thankfully, he doesn't have to interact much with Beomgyu, but he can't avoid him every day of the workweek. Their work schedules oftentimes align and they both mostly use the main area of the gym to work out with their clients, as opposed to the separate rooms they have for Pilates, Yoga, Zumba and kickboxing.

The clientele is an interesting mix of people. Most of Soobin's clients are gay men who prefer the serious, focused atmosphere in the gym over the gay gym and sauna a few blocks over, and women who feel comfortable around him. Beomgyu regularly complains about getting stuck with the "dad-types", who probably like him because he is attractive, with his lean features and shiny black hair. He is quite a sight. Jungkook, another friend of theirs, takes care of the bodybuilders and Yeonjun has his own little "dojo" in the back where he trains people in kickboxing and martial arts.

Soobin has this job for about two years, longer than any of his other careers. He likes it well enough even though he doesn’t even like exercising to begin with, but he’s doing well. Well enough that he manages to bring home a lot of cash and buy anything he wants without even thinking twice and yet he still feels restless. He never identified himself as a personal trainer. It doesn't seem to fit him; nothing ever seems to fit him. He’s not a dog walker either, or a cruise ship waiter, or a diving instructor, and he definitely isn't a masseuse.

Could he _be_ someone's boyfriend? Someone's partner? Is a restless man like him even capable of settling down?

Soobin sighs. Well, he will find out soon.

_Hi. I like your profile. I like the Food Network too._

Soobin rubs his tired eyes. The blue glow from the laptop screen is blinding in the darkness of his apartment. "Yeonjun seriously needs to take down this fucking profile," he murmurs. For the past month, uninspired messages like that one have kept popping up in his mailbox. He’d lost his patience three weeks ago.

Beomgyu thought it’s altogether far too amusing to let it go, so he keeps pestering him and introduces him to Renjun. Soobin feels bad – it’s obvious that Beomgyu has been playing tricks on the guy, pretending that Soobin is interested when he isn't. Regardless, he goes on a date with the man, feeling far too guilty to reject him when he has the courage to ask him out, stammering and all.

During the date, Renjun talks a lot about his koi fish. It gets increasingly weird as it became apparent Renjun had named each and every one of the Japanese fish in his backyard pond and attributed cute little personality traits to them. Soobin can't stomach his grilled salmon that evening; he keeps imagining it had a name and a funny personality too. Renjun assures him it’s fine, going so far as saying: "I have a dog too, but I don't care that people in China eat dogs." Cringe-worthy.

They warp up the date with an awkward hug and end up exchanging information. Soobin feels too horrible to decline to give his phone number. Renjun calls five times in the following four days. Soobin never calls back. That next Wednesday, Renjun doesn't show up for his training with Beomgyu – he never shows up at the gym again. This gave Beomgyu even more ammunition to annoy him with. He introduces him to more guys – not any of his regular clients though, he isn't a fool – and publicly corners him into going on dates with them and pointing possible suitors to his profile on the dating website.

Some of them are nice guys, Soobin is sure of it. But the dates are needlessly uncomfortable, unnerving and stressful. He doesn't _click_ with any of them, how could he? He’s so preoccupied with trying to be polite and appropriate, and ignore the fact that he had fucked the guy seated two tables over in the bathroom stall of _Mirage_ , and the waiter at the Seafood restaurant he had fucked in the alley behind that very restaurant, and the cabbie. God that cabbie.

_If this is what dating is like_ , he thinks to himself, _I don't want it._

Cruising the clubs and bars for a hot fuck might be a shallow endeavor, but at least it’s honest and uncomplicated. You can give a guy a single once-over and know if you like him or not – like him enough to fuck him, that is – and sex is fun and carefree in the sense that there is no deeper purpose to it. He doesn't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings, or strain himself to focus on aimless conversation in search of something interesting to latch onto, or ponder what would be the right things to say or the right things to ask at the _right_ time. It is exhausting and he goes home with a headache every time.

A notification sound from his laptop pulls him from his musings; his cellphone in his pocket buzzes twice in unison with the sound. Soobin moves the tip of his finger along the touchpad and opens the new message.

_Hello, Soobin. Beomgyu introduced us. You still on for tomorrow?_

Another sound, two more buzzes. A new message pops up.

_This is Jihoon btw_.

Soobin groans and lets his face fall into his palms.

Soobin gathers all of his dirty laundries in a canvas sack, searching every room for that second red sock that he can't find anywhere, and wiping his brow as the heat is insufferable. He hates laundry day – truly despised it. It’s always so warm and humid in the laundromat down the street. His apartment building has its own laundromat, but he is pretty certain the mold on the ceiling is toxic, and if it isn't, then his neighbor from 2C definitely is.

To avoid both, he walks the short distance to do his laundry. The weather has been so hot lately that he postponed the chore for too long; he has to put a ridiculous outfit together with the only remaining clean articles of clothing. Fortunately, he isn't very self-conscious about his appearance. Fuck what other people think.

He walks down the street with the sack hoisted over his shoulder and hugs the walls to stay in the shadow. The laundromat is pretty empty. Most people have figured it’s too hot to do laundry and they are right, but Soobin has work tomorrow and he can't wear his gear for the third time in a row. Ew no way. He picks a washer and dryer at the very back, far away from the sunbaked windows that radiated heat. He stands right under the air-conditioning vent, even the meager flow of cool air is a relief. During heat waves like this, work is the best place to be. The gym has excellent air-conditioning that keeps the temperature at a constant, comfortable 66 degrees Fahrenheit; nice and cool, excellent for working up a sweat, or just to escape the sweltering heat outside.

The past few nights have been rough. Sleeping with the window open does nothing to cool down the air. He felt like he had been melting into his sheets, and he couldn't get much sleep under the squeaky ceiling fan. He puts said sheets in one washing machine and uses two more for his clothes. It’s quiet anyway, so he has no qualms about using three machines. There are only four other people there: a couple folding towels together, an older lady doing a crossword puzzle as she waits, and a young woman shamelessly sorting out her delicates.

Soobin takes a seat by his machines and uses his cellphone to entertain himself.

About an hour later, when everyone else has left, he transfers the three loads of wet laundry to the dryers and is about to continue his lonesome vigil when the door opens and someone catches his eye.

Walking in – paying no attention to his surroundings – is a younger man, in his early twenties maybe looking at the way baby fat still clings on his face, wearing skintight leather pants that he might as well have painted on, and a black, all-exposing tank top, tucked into his pants as if to emphasize his long torso and wide hips. The hem of the top dips low, front and back, revealing most of his chest and the expanse of skin between his shoulder blades and the curving spine.

Amused, Soobin observes the guy as he makes a beeline for the first washer and stuffs in a load of clothes. His gait and the movement of his arms is slow, tired, but precise. Then he uses the second machine for all-whites, but Soobin notices there’s something bright blue caught in the bundle of white clothes.

"Wait!" He calls from across the room.

The man freezes – only at that moment seeming to become aware of the other's presence.

Soobin nods at the load he has just stuffed into the washing machine. "There's something blue in there." The look he receives is quizzical and it makes him smile.

The young man – whose face he can barely see as he’s backlit by the bright windows – pulls out the compacted bundle of white clothes and dumps it on a sorting-and-folding table behind him. He rummages through the heap and pulled out a pair of bright blue underwear that Soobin had caught a glimpse of before.

“Thanks for that, Mr. Stranger!" he says in a cherry nasal tone, but despite that high-pitched noise, he actually has a nice voice, smooth like butter. He puts the clothes back into the machine, minus the underwear, and turned the dials before pressing start.

The man's interesting attire piques Soobin's curiosity. Leather pants on a hot Monday morning; either there’s an interesting story there or they would at least bond over sharing weird laundry-day outfits. So, he pushes up from his seat in the back and maneuvers around the bank of washers and dryers to go introduce himself. The man looks perplexed at being approached and stills as he waits for what is going to happen.

To his surprise, it’s not only his sculpted body and brazen attire that’s special about him, but also his facial features. Soobin takes a second to study the man's exotic face and bright brown eyes that peer at him from underneath long bangs. Soobin is pretty sure that he’s not Korean. Not a full one, at least. His pale complexion and sharp nose are certainly a giveaway. Combine those with the way his cheeks naturally bloom pink under the sweltering heat and his deer-shaped eyes framed with double eyelids. All in all they make him stand out like a sore thumb.

And don’t let him start with his hair. His dark, tousled hair has that delicious I've-just-been-fucked-thoroughly appearance to it; it looked soft and inviting. He wants to delve his fingers into it and cradle the back of his head as he tilts his face to savagely kiss him. Soobin smiles impishly, hoping the other can't read his dirty thoughts on his face. Those brown eyes seem to stare straight into him and to be honest it’s a bit intimidating, but Soobin holds out his hand nevertheless. There is a delay before the other accepts it and shakes it.

"Hi, I'm Choi Soobin."

"Huening Kai." The slight accent sends shivers down Soobin's spine. When the stranger – Kai, drops his hand back to his side one strap of the tank top slipped off his shoulder and he reaches up irritably to readjust it.

"Nice to meet you." Soobin continues.

"Okay," the other responds stiffly. A complete one-eighty of his previous cherry-like front.

Soobin's eyebrow twitches at the odd response. He tries lightheartedly: "So, you either had a great night last night," he pointedly looks down at the clothes he’s wearing, "—or, like me, you had a horrible morning this morning realizing you had nothing left to wear." His eyes linger on the sharply defined collar bones and the dip in the middle that he wants to lick.

_Jesus, I'd crawl through a mile of his shit to get a taste of his ass._ His thoughts shock him and he assumes the perversion is fueled by the fact that he hasn't gone out in a while, put off by the whole "dating-thing".

"A little bit of both, I suppose," the dark-haired man replies with a stiff smile.

"You do your laundry here more often?"

He shakes his head. "My washer broke last week." It’s apparent he only engages in the conversation to be polite, not because he is interested.

"Oh, that sucks. I don't even have a washer, so I'm stuck here every other Monday." Soobin laughs at himself awkwardly. He wonders why the guy is being so standoffish with him. He searches his memory but he’s certain he hadn't said any of his inappropriate thoughts out loud, so why does he act so stingy? Well Soobin realizes he probably wasn't presenting the best first impression of himself, practically drooling over him while dressed in swimming trunks and the "My best friend went to Paris and all I got was this lousy shirt" T-shirt that he had slept in that night.

"You really don't remember me?" The younger man suddenly asks incredulously, his eyes narrowed and teeth clenched.

Soobin scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. He feels a deep blush tinge his cheeks. "I'm sorry." What’s he supposed to say? He runs around his memories looking for clues that he had ever met this figure of perfection before, but he is certain he would remember him if he had. Maybe this guy is the one who had it wrong. "Are you sure we've met before?"

His lips tighten into a taut line. Soobin doesn’t know if he’s supposed to be intimidated or not because honestly he looks like an angry kitten. A very adorable angry kitten. "… I go to your gym."

"Oh. Well, it's not really _my_ gym… but that's not the point…" He lets the sentence trail off. "Did we train together?"

"No, I train with Yeonjun. But I've seen you there a couple of times and you came in to talk to Yeonjun once during my session."

_Geesh, so you've seen me from across the gym and I walked in on your training once – no wonder I don't remember you. That's no reason to get all butt hurt._ "Sorry," Soobin says again. Realizing it isn't going anywhere, he says: "I guess I'll see you around at the gym." He backs up and walks away, returning to his dark little corner.

Soobin takes a seat and holds his phone up to his nose, but he can't lose himself again to the gay fanfiction he has been reading. He keeps wondering about that guy – Huening Kai – and his attitude. Honestly, he barged in on Yeonjun during his training sessions with clients so often that he still couldn't pinpoint the guy in his memory. He must be kind of full of himself to think that Soobin should remember him.

He peers over the top edge of his cellphone and catches Kai staring at him. They both quickly look away. Soobin's face is hot and blood rushed to his ears and fingertips. It is unfair that he has to bear such embarrassment for not remembering this guy when he’s probably just some kind of stalker psycho. The kind where cats go into his house, but cats never come out of his house. The kind whose idea of scrapbooking is cutting the eyes out of all photos. He lets his imagination run wild, with nothing better to preoccupy himself with.

Waiting for the dryers to finish is the longest hour and a half of his life and he springs up as soon as the machines beeped, one after another. He stuffs everything back into the big sack and is eager to get out of the laundromat. Despite his apparent desire to go inside his pants, Soobin hopes he will never run into Kai again.

He walks past him on his way to the door. The tension in his shoulders causes a dull ache. He has his hand on the doorknob when Kai's soft, haunting voice stops him dead in his tracks.

"We had sex, you should remember."

He slowly turns around to face the other. Kai has gotten up from his seat and stands with his hands balled into fists and his shapely jaw clenched. But he refuses to look at him as his eyes glisten with unshed tears. So he stares at him instead. Soobin still doesn't remember him, but the expression in those bright brown eyes assured him he’s not lying. "I… When—"

" _Pride_. Three years ago," Kai whispers. His voice is so small but it rings loud in his ears.

_Pride?_

Something clicks audibly in his head.

_Fuck._

Soobin can barely remember it – he had been very drunk. Mostly he just remembered his friends laughing at him when he emerged from the restroom stall. The group of friends had snuck into the restroom and had been eavesdropping on them before. Soobin had been mortified and felt bad about the young guy, who heard their mockery and slammed the door to the stall shut, locking himself inside. The guys started banging on the door and calling out to the kid, offering to do "their civil duty" and fuck him as well. Soobin was handed a whiskey and quickly forgot about everything, except one important thing: that he had been such an asshole that night that he had scared himself.

But that young guy – he used to think of him as 'that kid from Pride' – looked nothing like Kai.

Recognizing the lost look on Soobin's face, Kai supplies: "I've lost about forty pounds and I no longer wear glasses."

_Jesus Christ_. Suddenly he remembers him. The kid had been small and chubby, had a face of soft, rounded features, wore thick-rimmed glasses and had an awful, short haircut. But perhaps the biggest difference between the kid and the man standing in front of him is the way they carry themselves. The skittish kid had his shoulders slumped and his head bowed and fidgeted with the hem of his clichéd rainbow tie-dye shirt. Kai, standing before him, is a completely different person, with his straight shoulders, proudly craned neck and self-aware stance, looking comfortable in his own skin and unafraid of anything.

But those eyes… he remembers the unique bright umber of those eyes and the thick, black lashes that framed them.

_Pride_ , three years ago.

Soobin had been standing at the bar with a group of three friends. Not the type of friends like Yeonjun – he didn't even know Yeonjun back then – but the type that were fun to go dancing with and get drunk with; the type of friends that knew all the best clubs and could score the best drugs. Beomgyu was there too, with a couple of his friends. The guys were playing their usual, obnoxious game of waiting to see which one of them would get bought the most drinks by other men. Soobin had been winning and that meant he was pretty wasted by the time someone softly tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

He had turned around and looked down at the short kid with a chuckle. He didn't want to be mean, it was clear the kid was nervous and the kid's friends, that had clearly spurred him on to approach Soobin, were looking on with bated breath. But that tie-dye shirt was just funny for some reason – the reason may have been the joint Soobin had smoked earlier.

The kid said something and held his hand out for a formal introduction, but the music was too loud for Soobin to hear anything, and he definitely wasn't used to people reaching out their hands to him in a bar to shake hands, but rather just to grab at him. There was something disarming and endearing about the young guy, so Soobin downed his drink and leaned in close so he could be heard and offered to dance. The kid smiled in response; an odd little smile where his gums were visible accompanied by a loud, slightly high-pitched laugh. It made Soobin smile back at him.

Soobin liked to think he was a pretty good dancer – he had been a dance instructor for a while, mostly teaching old people not to step on each other's feet during the cha-cha-cha – but dancing at bars and clubs wasn't really _dancing_ , it was more rhythmic grinding. Before long they were both hard and started kissing and after about two songs Soobin dragged him to the dirty restrooms and pushed him into a stall. They were both still wearing most of their clothes when Soobin fucked the kid from behind. Soobin was drunk and the kid's ass was tight, so it was over soon. He left and never looked back. He let his asshole friends harass him and even laughed at a couple of their jokes, without knowing why because he remembered thinking that none of it was funny.

"Shit," Soobin breathes. The bag of laundry seems to be getting heavier and the strap digs into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Huening. Fuck _I’m so sorry_."

The dark-haired man doesn't respond. He looks away and the knuckles of his fists become white.

"I was pretty drunk and high and I—" He stops as he realized what a pathetic excuse he’s making. "I was an asshole." He waits and tries to read Kai's face, but the man won't look at him again. "I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything I _can_ say." Nervously he remarks: "You look great!"

Kai fixes an ice-cold glare on him. The angry tears on his eyes and the redness of his face make him immediately regret for even opening his mouth.

"Sorry, that was totally inappropriate." It’s Soobin's turn to look away.

Nothing is said and finally Soobin decides that it’s best for him to leave. He moves slowly, to give Kai the chance to say something before he leaves, should he feel the need to. But the other remains silent and Soobin runs home, chest tight and feeling like absolute trash.

He doesn’t think he can have any sleep today.

"Tell me about Kai," Soobin probs as he sits down at his kitchen table with his friend, Yeonjun; they are both about to dig into their carton of older take-out.

Yeonjun frowns and takes his time chewing on a big bite of kimbab before shooting back with a frown: "Why?"

Soobin shrugs, not comfortable to tell him the whole story.

Yeonjun works on another mouthful and then says: "He's my 8 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays."

Soobin nods. Soobin mostly works the day shift at the gym, from seven to five. Only once in a while did the manager schedule him in for Saturday evenings and he always hated that. That explains why Kai saw him a couple of times, but Soobin never really noticed him. "How long have you been training him?"

His friend is still eyeing Soobin suspiciously at all the questions. "A while. We have our first anniversary coming up. He's good. He's driven. I'm excited."

Soobin smiles. Yeonjun always celebrates anniversaries with his clients by setting up a real sparring match with them and not going easy on them – only after about five years did they actually stand a chance at beating him, but it’s kind of like a rite of passage for them.

"What’s with the question?" The older man asked with a mouthful.

"Hm?"

"Why do you want to know about him?"

Soobin prods his food with his chopsticks. "I ran into him, last Monday."

"Really? I thought he was sick. He canceled our Monday session this week."

Soobin blinks at the revelation. "What about yesterday? Did he cancel yesterday as well?"

Yeonjun stares at him, confused by his concern. "No. He was there." After a thoughtful pause he demands: "What the fuck is going on? Did you fuck him?"

Soobin lets out a bitter chuckle.

"I'm not about to lose a regular to your bullshit like Beomgyu," he warns. “And more not that kid. I’m too attached to him so if he stops coming by because of your stupidity I swear to god I will—”

Soobin blinks. "Whoa. Relax. It was three years ago."

"Oh. Then why the sudden interest?" Yeonjun continues to eat like he’s not about to murder him a minute ago.

"I didn't remember having sex with him. So I chatted him up Monday, at the laundromat… and made a pretty big dick of myself."

Yeonjun laughs. "Jesus, Soobin, you are such a man-whore. You've fucked everyone in town, haven't you? And now you're circling back for doubles."

Soobin knows Yeonjun is only joking and usually he can handle his jokes and go along with them, but the encounter with Kai had left him shaken. He had been so humiliated and the worst part is that he deserves every bit of it and more.

"He was the kid from Pride," he admits with a sigh. "You remember me telling you about him."

"Not really. I remember _Beomgyu_ telling me about him." Yeonjun makes a face. After a pause he adds his two cents: "That was fucked up, Soobin."

Soobin chuckles hollowly. "I know. Kai never mentioned me to you? He said I popped in once during your training session."

"No, he never said anything. He doesn't say much at all, in fact."

"Was he a little overweight when he started working out with you?"

Yeonjun shakes his head. "He was average. He wanted to lose some more fat and build muscle tone. He'd been working with Taehyun before coming to our gym."

"Taehyun?"

"Yeah, he was his dietician before he joined our team. When he started working for us he actually recommended that Kai sign up for kickboxing and martial arts with me, to boost his confidence and stuff. And he did. He likes him."

Soobin snorts. "Of course he does."

"I don't think he knows he's gay."

"Of course he doesn't. He’s gonna be so pissed when he knows that he actually has a chance all this time."

"I'm guessing Kai is still pretty raw about what happened at Pride."

With a sigh, Soobin nods. "Yeah, I think so."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" He quips and forces on a smile. “I’m fine.”

"Don’t give me that bs. You haven't been yourself this week. It's clearly bothering you."

"My, my, mister Choi, you _do_ pay attention to this poor, little, small town boy," he purred teasingly as an attempt to deflect. “I know you love me~”

"Stop that," Yeonjun demands. "It _is_ bothering you. Why can't you just admit that and tell me about it?"

"Because I don't know what to say!" Soobin erupts and he drops his chopsticks into the carton. He doesn't have much of an appetite anyway. "What am I supposed to say about it? I'm a douchebag! I'm a fucking douchebag. The shit I've been doing the past five years… it's not cute, it's not funny! And I want to be different and I thought I am different now, but I still can't give a fuck about-… about _Renjun_ _and Sweater-vest-Jisung_ and all the other perfectly nice guys that have been messaging me because of that fucking profile!" He gestures wildly with his hands as he rambles. "I met Kai three years ago, when I'm sure he was a nice and interesting guy, but if I hadn't been pissing-drunk, I wouldn't have looked at him twice and I didn't give a shit about him. I fucked him in a filthy restroom stall because I was so full of myself I actually thought I was doing him a huge favor—" He laughs darkly at himself. "Fuck. I-I really thought: 'He gets to go back out there and tell his friends that he got fucked by the _great Choi Soobin_ '… What the fuck?"

Yeonjun watches him with unreadable eyes, letting him rant on.

"My 'friends' mock him and I don't even stand up to them because I think the kid should just consider himself lucky."

"But you've changed since then," Yeonjun interjects.

Soobin scoffs. "I _thought_ I had. But it's like I said: I still don't want to give guys like Renjun the time of day. No, instead, I spot a hot guy at a laundromat and I'm drawn to him like a flamer to a moth."

Yeonjun shakes his head at Soobin's twist on the common expression.

Soobin exhales and leans back in his seat, caught off guard by the intensity of his own emotions.

"It was just one guy, Soobin," his friend starts. "You fucked around, _a lot_ , but they all got exactly what they wanted. Right?'

"As far as I know, yeah…"

"You were drunk. Your friends were dicks. You were a dick." Soobin nods along. "It happened only once. It didn't happen before, it hasn't happened since and it won't happen again."

"But I'm still that shallow dickwad of a guy! I walked right up to Kai this week; I never walk up to a guy like Renjun, or the guy that Kai used to be."

Yeonjun leans in close and whispered: "Want me to tell you a secret?"

Soobin quirked an eyebrow.

"We all make judgments based on looks." He winks. "Attraction goes beyond the physical, sure, but at first glance, all we have to go by is someone's looks and whether that draws us in or not. Yeji is wonderful," his eyes sparkled, as they always did whenever he talked about his fiancee. "She is intelligent, brave and stubborn as Hell, but that turns me on. I was initially drawn to her because I thought she was beautiful. I didn't know her, I didn't know her personality; I didn't know about all the things that made me fall in love with her, I just thought she was pretty, so I asked her out on a date and that's how it all started."

Soobin blinks. He feels better, but is aware that maybe it’s a coward's way out, to believe his reasoning.

"Want to know something else?"

"Sure."

"Three years ago, Kai walked up to you because he thought you were _hot_." Yeonjun smiles at him as he watches realization dawn on his friend. "He didn't know you. He saw you and he wanted to _get_ to know you, but it was all based on looks." He pats his shoulder sympathetically. "So don't beat yourself up over that, we all do it. Besides, you went on a date with that Renjun guy, and many other guys that – according to Beomgyu – were 'like a six at best'. You tried and it didn't click, that's okay. The man talked about his fucking fish for two hours, Soobin."

Soobin releases a sigh, feeling comforted by his friend's words.

"You're not a bad guy," he assures him. "You made a mistake and you learned from it. Now it's time to forgive yourself, whether Kai can forgive you or not." He squeezes his shoulder before letting his hand drop back down into his own lap.

"Thanks, Yeonjun."

"Wow I never thought I would hear a thank you for you again." He snorts and picks up his chopsticks to finish his lukewarm meal.

" _Thank you,”_ he repeats again just to make a statement. “—Choi Yeonjun the Great. What would I do without you?"

"Have a fit, probably," he jokes. He reaches out and playfully smacks his cheek. "My precious diva." He grabs his face and squeezed the corners of his mouth together, puckering his lips.

Soobin laughs and swats his friend's hands away.

He’s feeling better already.

A week later on Saturday, Soobin walks into the gym a quarter past ten in the evening. He has the day off and normally he would be getting ready to hit the clubs at that hour on a Saturday, but there’s something that needs to be done.

Soobin wants to talk to Kai again.

He knows he can't change the past or provide excuses or explanations to act as a balm for Kai's hurt, but he needs the other man to know that he regrets how he behaved that night and that "that" wasn't him. He supposes his motivations for being there to confront Kai are mostly selfish; he needs Kai to believe he isn't a bad guy, so he himself can believe it without doubt or the burden of guilt. It just doesn't feel right, moving on and pretending nothing had happened, and looking the other way should he happen to run into the man again.

He cringes when he spots Beomgyu going through a cooldown with his client – a waif-y young woman, probably with modeling aspirations. Beomgyu isn't exactly sensitive.

The black-haired man says something to his client, likely to excuse himself for a moment, and then approaches him. "What are you doing here? If you were on the roster for tonight, you're hella late."

"I'm not working."

"Ah, coming to pick up your _boyfriend_?" he teases.

Soobin isn't alarmed; Beomgyu refers to Yeonjun as his "boyfriend", even though he – and everyone else – knows the older man is blissfully engaged.

"He's not done for another fifteen minutes," he informs him.

"I know. I don't mind waiting."

Thankfully Beomgyu isn't suspicious and he went back to his client.

Soobin kills time in the locker room, fussing over his appearance in the reflection of the mirror on the inside of the door, as if it matters what he looks like. It’s just his nerves acting up. At ten thirty on the dot he appears in the doorway of Yeonjun's unofficial "dojo" in the back of the building. Centered in the space is a square mat for sparring, and five punching bags hung down from sturdy railings on the ceiling, so they can be pushed out of the way, against the wall, or pulled out into the open space for use. Propped up against a wall is a bundle of wooden staffs, for fighting, and on a shelf he kept a couple of nunchucks and rubber knives and daggers. The wall opposite of the door is fully covered in mirrors.

Soobin leans against the doorframe and watches.

Currently, Yeonjun is standing off center on the mat, facing the door, but he doesn't even acknowledge Soobin as he is focused on his student, holding protective padding up at the height of his chest which Kai kicks with great force every time Yeonjun said _Go_. Kai is too focused on his task to notice Soobin in the reflection. The younger man is dressed in oversized sweatpants and a loose-fitting, long-sleeved white shirt – a shirt that would have probably ended up light blue if he had accidentally washed it with that pair of blue underwear. The big clothes make his frame look bigger than it is and he more resembled "the kid from Pride", as Soobin remembers him. The younger man's face is red from exertion and sweat drips down his temples and sticks his bangs into his face.

He would have looked like a total mess, like Soobin is used to seeing his clients in the gym as he worked them over, if not for that cold determination in his bright brown eyes.

_"Go! Go! Go!"_ Yeonjun instructs in quick succession and Kai raises his leg and kicks the padding with all his might, even forcing Yeonjun to inch back to maintain his pose as the other man kicks harder and faster every time. _"Go! Go!"_ Attached to the forearm of his left arm is a big piece of black padding, whereas on his right hand he only has a round pad, like a big, padded baseball mitt. He has been keeping his right hand behind his left forearm, to help absorb the impact of the blows, but suddenly he raises his right hand high, higher than his head and yells simultaneously: _"Up here! Go! Go!"_

With trained precision Kai switches feet and kicks his left leg up; the foot hitting the pad dead-center and even though he is practically standing in a split to reach Yeonjun's hand, the sound of the impact is still deafening and echoed through the room. Yeonjun keeps yelling _‘go'_ and switching the position of the padding, following a routine they must have practiced because without further instructions Kai knows exactly when to kick or when to use his balled fists. The rapid combinations are impressive.

Yeonjun is never one to let an appointment run long, he is a stickler for the rules, but it’s apparent he enjoys training with the younger man and Soobin has no hard time imagining why. Kai's drive is apparent and he excels beyond what is expected of someone who has only been training for less than a year; that excites Yeonjun.

The kicks start to lose their power – the sounds dulling out. Kai is panting harshly, not willing to give up as long as his teacher expects him to continue, in spite of his exhaustion. He nearly loses his balance adjusting the height of his kick, but he catches himself and maneuvers into a different position to land uppercuts as Yeonjun lowers the pad.

"Okay, okay. That's good. Stop," Yeonjun instructs.

One more punch and then Kai lets his hands hang limply at his sides. His mouth is open as he sucks in deep breaths; he staggers back a little.

"That was really good Kai, really powerful kicks," the trainer compliments. "You nearly forced me off the mat there. Notice how much better you can land the kicks using the right part of your foot?" Kai nods; Yeonjun chuckles as he reaches to ruffle his hair. "Keep doing that. You would have broken your own toes if you had kicked that hard using the front of your feet." He gives Kai another second, then they end the session with a formal bow.

Finally, Yeonjun notices his friend in the doorway and Soobin straightens up. His eyes meet Kai's bright ones in the big mirror.

"Soobin," the trainer acknowledges him, a little strained. "Can I help you?"

Kai immediately bows his head down as he takes off the handwraps, quickly rolling them off one hand and onto the fingers of the other.

"I'd like to talk to Kai for a moment, if he's cool with that."

Yeonjun nods. He looks back at Kai who isn't responding. "Okay. I'll give you guys some privacy." As he walks out the door, past Soobin, he remarks: "Be careful about what you say, because this kid can totally kick your ass."

Soobin watches a small smirk appear on Kai's lips and gulps.

“—and also, I can totally kick your ass too, best friend or not. So watch it, Choi.”

If he’s not sweating bullet by now, he finally is. Yeonjun pats his back in show of support and then leaves them alone.

Kai strips the wrapping off his other hand and puts the two bundles in his sports bag in the corner, then he grabs a small towel to wipe the sweat off his face.

"Do you mind talking for a moment?" Soobin asks, trying his best not to sound pushy.

"Why? You said before that you didn't know what to say; that there was nothing you could say."

"I know. You caught me off guard. I had to think for a moment, sort some stuff out."

For the first time Kai looks at him, an impatient look in his eyes.

"I was very drunk," he starts.

Kai laughs, but it sounds mocking in his ears. "Yeah, you must have been, to humor a guy like me."

"Please…" Soobin begs and then reiterates: "I was very drunk that night – and I'm not saying that as an excuse! What I mean to say is: I shouldn't have gotten that drunk, because I knew damn well how I get when I'm wasted. I guess I wanted you to know that what happened that night had an impact on me too. I don't do that shit anymore. I don't do drugs anymore and I don't drink like that anymore. And I certainly don't consider those guys friends anymore."

When he had sobered up the next morning, Soobin couldn't remember much, just vague glimpses and muffled laughter. He knew something abhorrent had happened – that he had done something awful – and the fact that he couldn't remember scared and angered him. He tried to ignore the brick in his stomach and continued living his life the way he had: getting high and wasted with that group of friends, but it didn't last long. It didn't feel right, he couldn't trust himself around them. He cut them out of his life a few months after, when Beomgyu had clued him in about the trainer position opening up at his gym, and he met the straight-laced Yeonjun; he realized he should surround himself with better people, so he himself could be a better person.

He tries to tell Kai all of that, in the most coherent way possible, but sometimes he loses track of himself. He hopes the man is listening to him, even though he isn't making much sense a lot of the time, jumping back and forth in time as he tries to explain his actions. He gestures nervously with his hand and finds it difficult to meet Kai's scrutinizing gaze. His voice wavers with his anxiety.

"So, anyway…" he trails off. "That's the story. I wanted you to know that. I know it's selfish to bother you with this stuff, to try to explain myself, but, I don't know," he shook his head hopelessly and cast his gaze down to his feet. "I thought maybe it might help you too. If it doesn't, it's okay if you want to get mad at me, or whatever. Whatever helps."

Soobin takes a deep breath before he dares to look up at him again. Kai is staring off to the side with a pensive look on his face, like he’s working out a mathematical problem and he doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

"I didn't remember _you_ ," Soobin adds after a minute, "but I never forgot about that night. About the _Pride_ where I did nothing to be proud of." He lets out a bitter chuckle. "I'm sorry," he says again. He must have interrupted himself with apologies dozens of times during his own monologue, but it didn't seem to do much for Kai.

He waits for a few heartbeats. The silence is tense. "Do you- do you want me to leave you alone?"

"… Yes."

Soobin nods. "Okay… I'm sorry for bothering you." After a short delay he turns around and walks down the corridor. His heart drops into his stomach when he notices Beomgyu leaning against the wall. He ignores him and walks by him, but he follows him into the main area of the gym, where only a couple of people are still working out on the treadmills and home trainers.

" _Huening Kai_ is the fiver from Pride?" he prods, his voice high with disbelief.

Knowing there is no point in denying it – he had eavesdropped on, presumably, their entire, one-sided conversation – he nods in response.

"Holy shit! Well, he sure ain't a fiver no more. Boy is hot _AF_."

"I guess so." But it shouldn't matter that he looks different now. It shouldn't mean that he would get treated differently. But Soobin knows how the world worked, how people worked, and he knows that it’s different.

"I can't wait to tell Taehyun," he smirks. "He's going to be so upset his Golden boy is gay. All this time he thought Kai is not interested because he’s straight. My baby gonna need a shoulder to cry on – and I have _excellent_ shoulders."

He sighs and turns to look at him. "Beomgyu," he starts carefully, not intending to hurt his feelings, since he knows his affection for Taehyun is genuine, in spite of his attitude, "Taehyun is—"

Beomgyu steels his gaze and his carefree grin falters. "I know he doesn’t like me, okay?" He snaps out and his hurt is apparent. "I know it's never going to…" he forces on a smile. "But let's not get _real_. Let's just keep it fun. Let me pretend."

Soobin stares at him and for the first time he feels sad for him. "Okay."

Beomgyu looks away and fiddles with the settings of his sports watch. After a while he mumbles: "I'm sorry about giving you shit all the time. You _have_ changed. I just like to deny it…" he straightens his shoulders and flashes him a grin, "Well, nobody likes a goodie-two-shoes!" Without further ado he walks away, headed for the staff locker rooms.

And it’s a blur after that.

Soobin walks home, not sure if he feels any better about what had happened in the past. The memory of that night will continue to run through his mind, getting clearer and more vivid every time as each new remembered detail sparks the memory of another, until there are no secrets and blank spots left.

When he is scheduled to take over the floor shift on Saturday, he asks Beomgyu to cover for him and he does. He isn't sure if he’s avoiding Kai for his own benefit or for Kai's, but it seems better to not have another run-in, regardless.

It’s another Monday and Soobin sits in the corner at the Laundromat, entertaining himself with penguin videos on Youtube, and losing himself further and further into the maze of suggested videos until he is watching sappy, grand proposals. The two washers he has claimed for himself beep shortly after one another and he shuttles the wet laundry across the room to the dryers on the other side. He takes a seat again, crossing his legs and adjusting the collar of his shirt, which is irritating him. The shoulders, sleeves and back of the black shirt are mesh, normally something he'd go clubbing in, but he has nothing else left to wear. He presses the home-button on his phone and opens the notes app.

_BUY MORE CLOTHES_ , he types, purposefully using all caps. He is never one to turn down an excuse to go shopping, even though he knows he will, somehow, still end up having nothing to wear come next laundry day.

People walk in and out, but he doesn't look up. Everyone minds their own business. Whenever a machine beeps, everyone looks up, to check if it is theirs. When it’s not, they turn their attention back to their knitting, crossword puzzles, books and phones.

So Soobin is completely caught off guard when he senses someone coming to stand in front of him.

"Hello," says a pleasant, deep voice.

Soobin immediately casts his gaze up and is startled by the sight of Kai looming over him; his mouth a tight, thin line and his brown eyes indescribable. He doesn't appear to be at the laundromat to do his laundry, at least he doesn’t look like he has nothing left to wear; he looks great in black skinny jeans with rips and tears on the thighs and a simple, grey hoodie. Soobin shoots up from his seat, but regrets it instantly when he realizes how closely together they are standing all of a sudden. Kai calmly takes a step back.

"Ka—I mean, Huening. Hi."

The corner of his lips curls a little at his nervous greeting before his face turns blank again. "Are you almost done here?"

Soobin frowns and casts a sideway glance at the display on the two dryers. "In about an hour…"

Kai checks his watch. "Would you like to meet for coffee at three?"

"Uhm…"

"I've figured out what I want to say, if you don't mind listening."

"No!" He hurries to assure him. "No, I—You gave me a chance to speak, so you should definitely-… Coffee is fine. Coffee at three is fine." Thankfully that leaves him with enough time to go home and iron a pair of jeans and a presentable shirt. "There's – uh – a really nice coffee place down the street, on the corner of the park. The Coffee Lab?"

"Okay. I'll meet you there."

"Cool. Yeah." He watches Kai walk away and out the door. Soobin's palms are sweaty and he wipes them on his tennis shorts. He wonders what Kai would want to say to him. The idea of a public setting is in fact a relief, at least he doesn't plan on kicking his ass, which Soobin doesn't doubt he could if he wants to.

He wiggles his leg anxiously as he waits for the dryers to finish, and busies himself trying to figure out which jeans and shirt he will wear. Stressing over what to wear is all par for the course for a gay guy like him.

The dryers beep; he hurries to gather up all his clothes, then he jogs home when he realizes he also has enough time for a quick shower – unfortunately not enough time to wash his hair. He decides on a pair of casual, dark jeans and his current favorite shirt: a navy and white, horizontal striped shirt. The shoulders are a solid blue and the bottom few inches at the hem are white; in-between the colors transitioned into each other, alternating increasingly thinner blue stripes with increasingly thicker white stripes.

Soobin stands in front of the mirror and plays with his bangs as long as he can until it’s time to leave. He snatches his wallet and keys off the kitchen table and heads out.

The walk to The Coffee Lab is short and he should have known that, considering he stops by for coffee and a sweet treat often enough. He arrives fifteen minutes early in the quaint café. The coffee bar of repurposed dark wood is by the entry, and beyond that is an open space with Parisian style tables and chairs and wooden booths along the midnight blue walls. Random pictures and odd trinkets decorate every inch of the place and lazing on the floor by the front door is the dark brown – coffee-colored – Labrador retriever that the café is actually named after. The old animal's muzzle has greyed with age. At the sound of the bell as Soobin pushes the door open, the dog rears its head up and lazily wags its tail, hitting the floor with dull thuds.

"Hey there, old boy," Soobin greets him and bends down to scratch his ear for a moment.

The owner, Kim Seokjin, greets him and he walks past the bar to find a seat. He decides to occupy one of the booths in the back, far away enough from the bar and the three other patrons to have a private conversation, but still within line of sight of the door, so Soobin can spot Kai as soon as he comes in and Kai doesn't have to look for him either.

"The usual, Soobin?" Asks Seokjin who comes up to his booth.

"I'm waiting for someone."

"Okay, I'll be back to take your orders when your friend gets here."

_Friend? Not quite_. "Thanks."

He waits and waits. Reads through the sweets menu and then toys with the laminated paper, twirling it on the surface of the table.

When it’s five past three he figures Kai has changed his mind about wanting to talk to him, but just as that thought pops in his head the old-fashioned bell above the door rings and he turns his head to look.

Kai walks in, still wearing his black skinny jeans but this time a neon-colored green hoodie. He has his gaze cast down at the dog on the floor and he smiles at the animal when it raises its head and wags its tail like it always does when a customer came through the door. The man squats down by the dog and pets the top of its head. He straightens up and looks around and spots Soobin right away. He crosses the distance between them and stood by the booth. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." He doesn't provide any explanation and Soobin doesn't really care. The man slips into the seat across from him.

Before Soobin can say anything Seokjin appears at the table. "What can I get you?"

"Plain black coffee, please," says Kai.

"And I'll have a Latte Macchiato and a plate of the mini-cakes." Soobin explains to the other sheepishly: "I'm hungry." He is very hungry, he skipped lunch. He had planned to stop by Subway on his way back from the laundromat but the day turned out a little differently. "I hope you don't mind; we can share if you'd like."

"No, I don't really eat sweets anymore." he says quietly.

Soobin feels a rush of anxiety as he frets about saying and doing all the wrong things. He tries to lighten the atmosphere by joking: "Right, Taehyun's orders I'm guessing." Remembering he is his dietician. “No sugar, huh?”

"Yeah." he puts his hands onto the table, “No sugar.”

Soobin expects Kai to start talking, but the younger man remains quiet as they wait for their coffee. They don't have to wait long. Kai is served his black coffee in a funny, novelty mug, and Soobin's is in a classic tall glass, with chocolate sprinkles on top of the milk foam. The big plate of mini-cakes is appetizing: an assortment of bite-sized cakes of different flavors and with various frostings and toppings. The owner had generously put more cakes on the plate than usual, expecting them to be sharing the treat.

Nervously – and before his stomach can growl and rumble in an unflattering way – he pops a cake into his mouth and chews quickly. "If you change your mind, feel free." He pushes the plate to the center of the table.

Kai looks tempted but he shakes his head, unknowingly pouting. Oh. That’s so cute.

"I like your hoodie." he blurts out. “It’s very, uh- colorful.”

“I like yours too.”

Kai compliments him back and to be honest Soobin isn’t prepared for that, but he smiles nonetheless.

"Thanks, it's my favorite."

"Good. It's better than mesh."

Soobin laughs heartedly, grateful for the joke. "Yeah, it's better than mesh," he concurres.

Kai takes a sip of his strong coffee and keeps his hands cradled around the mug as he puts it back down on the table.

"I suppose I should just get to it. I won't keep you long."

"Don't worry about it."

Kai releases a nervous chuckle and the older man suddenly feels sympathetic. "That night was really horrible," he starts and he won't meet Soobin's eyes; instead, he stares into his black coffee. "It changed a lot about me."

Soobin doesn’t interrupt him with more apologies, he is focused on listening.

"It was my first Pride. I had kept my sexuality a secret all that time because I was afraid, but the stress and the burden of that secret was really affecting me. I gained a lot of weight because food was this little bit of happiness and comfort that I could get whenever I needed it – and I needed it _a lot_." He chuckles bitterly. "I finally came out to everyone that year and… most people didn't take it very well. So I joined the organization committee for the march, just to be around people like me, and that's where I met my friends. They convinced me to come barhopping with them after the march. I didn't do that sort of stuff before, but I was curious."

Kai looks up, perhaps only to check if Soobin is listening. Their eyes meet in silence for a moment, before he continued.

"When I saw you, with your friends, I was… jealous, more than anything. You were so comfortable in your own skin, so at ease with your sexuality. I wanted to be around that, as if it would rub off on me. And you were hot, obviously."

Soobin smiles.

"I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did. I'm not saying I wanted you to stop, but what I mean is: it wasn't my intention to have sex with you, that wasn't the plan. But I did like it, when it happened. It made me feel very special. All night long guys had been giving me that look like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough to be there… But you made me feel good enough and that was pretty amazing. For as long as it lasted."

Kai takes a deep breath. Soobin stares. His heart is racing. He has forgotten all about his appetite and the aromatic coffee in front of him.

"When your friends revealed they had been there the entire time, listening, I was so embarrassed. I locked myself in that stall and I thought you would make them go away. But you let them yell things at me and bang on the door and climb up on the toilet in the stall next to it and look down at me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I stayed in that stall for two hours after you all had left. After a while of feeling very sorry for myself, I vowed to get some sort of 'revenge', which became this multiple-step quest. It wasn't supposed to be. I thought it would be a one-step process. I thought: if I just lose the weight, nothing like that will ever happen to me again. So I went to a dietician – Taehyun – and I started running and cycling and I lost the weight… only to realize I didn't feel any more confident.”

He laughs bitterly, and continues.

"I was still scared about it happening again, with you as a representation of that fear. Nothing changed. So then the second step of the plan was added: get _fit_. Taehyun recommended that I start doing kickboxing, so I did. I would get fit and confident and then that would be it; that night would lose its power over me and I wouldn't have to worry about guys like you and your friends anymore. But, of course, that also didn't happen. I became toned and able to fight, but I was still shy and introverted. When I found out by accident that you were a trainer at the same gym, I wanted to quit; but then I figured, not letting you change my life would be the final step. So I didn't let the thought of running into you change my routine."

Soobin nods as he listens intently. The idea that Kai has to go through all these things because of him makes him want to vomit his stomach out but he holds it in him and pretends that the mere thought of being someone’s nightmare is not as repulsing as it actually is.

"And – you guessed it – it didn't matter. I concluded that the only way to finally get over it, was to make _you_ feel bad about it and make you apologize in some way. I hadn't worked up the courage to approach you yet when we met in the laundromat. I wasn't going to say anything but then, as you started to leave, I was just so sick of myself obsessing over that one night three years ago that I just blurted it out, to get it over with." Kai is mindlessly twisting the coffee mug in his hand. "I could tell that you felt bad, that you felt guilty and that your apology was genuine."

"It was," Soobin finally speaks up. “Trust me, it really was- is. If you want me to apologize again then I will do it again and again.”

They are both silent for a moment and stared at each other.

"Can you at least tell me…. did it help? Was it finally what you needed?" Soobin wonders.

Kai forces a smile. "No… And that really upset me. It caught me off guard because, I couldn't figure out any more steps to complete. Confronting you, and having you apologize and clearly feeling bad, should have been it. There was nothing left for me to do, so I felt like I had lost control."

_And because he’s upset he canceled his training with Yeonjun that day_ , Soobin surmises.

"Even when you came to my training and explained everything, I still didn't feel any better."

He looks down to his lap, flinching. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Kai assures him. "Because I finally realized why it didn't help."

Soobin pauses, eyes widening in shock.

"Getting past it was never about you," he concludes. "Or your friends. Taking revenge by becoming better looking and making you feel bad was never going to work. But I was so focused on _you_ , I thought I _still_ needed you to save me, in a way; you were the key. It didn't dawn on me until a little while ago that I had saved myself. I didn't need you to make that night right anymore, I've evolved past it. That night was the catalyst that made me who I am today: someone better, someone stronger.”

Finally, Soobin raises his head only to see Kai’s beautiful eyes on him.

"That night… It wouldn't impact the person I am now; it probably wouldn't even happen to me nowadays. Not because I'm 'hot' now, but because I'm stronger. I'm still introverted and awkward, but I can stand up for myself and protect myself. I don't need someone else for that, like I needed you back then. I wouldn't lock myself in that stall anymore and wait for you to save me; I'd just tell you and your friends to fuck off. I saved myself, by my own strength, and I would again. Once I realized that, that night… lost its power over me."

Kai frowns a little at his own explanation, not sure if he’s able to express himself clearly, but after a moment of silence, he simply nods in conclusion.

“I guess that’s all I want to say.” he murmurs, considering. “Yeah. I think it’s enough.”

Soobin smiles. "I'm relieved you have discovered this about yourself. And I'm happy that you wanted to share this with me."

"I could tell you felt sincerely guilty,” He shrugs. “—and when I realized you feeling bad wasn't helping me in any way, I figured you deserved to know that you didn't need to feel that way about it anymore."

"Thanks, although… I deserve every bit of guilt I've felt."

"Well, it's fine. I'm fine now. It might not have been what I wanted, but maybe it was something I needed." Kai leans back and relief washes over him as he finds closure.

"I guess I can kinda see that. There are things in our past that we hate, but we wouldn't change 'em because we know we'd be different otherwise." Soobin nods along with the reasoning and thinks back to moments in his own past that shapes him. Not all changes him for the better, but a lot of it did, or so he'd like to think so. "I'm wondering about those who don't like how they turned out. Not entirely at least."

"Is that the case for you?"

"A bit, yeah."

"What don't you like?"

Soobin blinks at Kai, a little taken aback by the turn in the conversation. He releases a sigh and sat back, folding his arms in front of his chest. "I'm kind of a man-whore."

Kai quirks an eyebrow at the crass admission. "Okay…"

"I've been trying to date and have a real relationship, but so far it's not working," he shares candidly, not exactly sure why. "If our past experiences decide who we turn out to be, then I'm just wondering what events made me end up… 'fuckable' but 'undateable'."

"It doesn't have to be how you 'end up'. You decide whether this is the end or not," Kai offers and he takes a sip of his coffee.

A smile tugs at Soobin's lip. "Yeah. I like the sound of that. Thanks."

Kai shrugs. “It’s nothing much.”

They both take a quiet moment to think to themselves. The tension between them has evaporated and Soobin feels a calm and a relaxation sitting across from the other. After speaking their feelings and clearing the air, it seems to Soobin that Pride bonded them; in a way they have shared a moment in their lives that turned out to be very significant for both of them. Soobin feels it create a closeness between them, even though the moment had been negative and had caused them both to rethink and reinvent themselves.

"Do you mind if I take one of those?"

Soobin can’t even hide his grin as Kai shyly points at the plate. "No, not at all. Take whatever you like."

Kai reaches out and grabs a square of chocolate cake with chocolate ganache and a raspberry on top. He picks off the small red fruit and ate that first, before taking a tiny, experimental bite of the cake that is small enough to fit into a man's mouth at once.

Soobin watches, amused, while Kai revels in the taste and a pink tongue came out to lick a crumb and a stain of ganache off his lower lip, before taking a second bite. "Good?"

"Hmhm." He covers his mouth with his hand as he smiles.

With his appetite returning to him, Soobin grabs one of the red velvet cakes with strawberry filling, and stuffs it in his mouth with a cheeky sparkle to his eyes. Kai finishes his chocolate cake and Soobin can tell he wants to have another but feels too self-conscious, so Soobin stuffs another cake into his mouth and then – with a mouthful - recommends that Kai should try the cinnamon coffee cake with caramel drizzle. The younger man takes his advice and tries it; taking a bigger first bite that time. "Hmm." He nods appreciatively.

"Won't Taehyun get mad at you?" Soobin teases.

As relieved as Soobin is to be talking about something else, Kai replies: “Taehyun is already mad at me. Somehow, he found out I was gay and this really pissed him off for some reason…" He trails off and his brows furrow. "He said something along the lines of: 'Beomgyu was right: men are exhausting'. I don't know what that was all about."

Soobin smirks secretly. No matter how much he wants to mess with Taehyun he’s not that heartless to out him in front of the man he likes. He returns to his cake, watching as Kai puts the remainder of the small cake in his mouth and bites back a moan.

God forgive him but Soobin has to fight back a moan himself. He knows it’s an appropriate time to quickly get his mind out the gutter but damn that moan sounds heavenly.

"How long has it been since you indulged on something like this?"

Kai swallows his bite before replying: "My last bite of cake was at my friend's birthday, two years ago. He _insisted_."

"You're kidding!" He chokes.

Kai shrugs and finishes his cake. "I was more or less addicted to food. Quitting cold turkey seemed easier – less temptation. Actually, cold turkey is about the only thing I didn't quit eating."

Soobin snickers at the joke. "You know, I don't know what Taehyun has told you, but given how often you work out – and the intensity of the work-outs that Yeonjun puts your through – you can afford a piece of cake once in a while."

"That's true. I guess I've just been a little afraid of unleashing the cookie-monster."

Soobin laughs and is mesmerized when Kai smiles brightly at him in return. He had a cute smile, a flash of beautiful teeth and his pink gums pressing up against them, visible between the pearly whites and the thin upper lip before he lets out a loud, squeaky laugh. God he’s adorable. It’s exactly the way Soobin remembered if from three years ago, only now he gets to see it without the haze of alcohol. But then the dark-haired man covers his mouth with his hand, and when he lowers his hand again it’s gone.

Kai announces: "I'm going to go home." Soobin can't help but lets his disappointment show. "Thanks for coming out to talk to me." He shifts in his seat to dig the wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans.

"No, please, it's my treat," Soobin insists.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, come on, don't be ridiculous."

"Okay." He looks a little impish. "Thanks." He remains seated for a second longer, staring at Soobin with a confused frown and then he awkwardly scoots to the edge of the bench and got up.

"If—Uh-…" Soobin laughs at himself for stumbling over his own words. "Would you like to go out sometime? For dinner? I know a place that has great cold turkey." It’s a bold thing to ask, but he feels like he has to take a shot. Perhaps he is misreading things, perhaps he is misguided by his own exhilaration at having the issue from the past resolved, but he feels like there is a chemistry between them that titillates him.

At the suggestion Kai’s eyes open in shock and fuck they are as beautiful as he remembers them.

"I'm sorry. I don't think that's a good idea.” He shifts his eyes and bites his lower lip. “That's not what I came for."

Soobin feels a bright, embarrassing blush on his cheek. "Okay. Yeah. Cool. No problem. I was just…" He waves his hand dismissively.

"I'll see you around, Soobin." Kai says his goodbye and then promptly walks off.

"… Bye," Soobin responds, altogether far too late to be heard.

Kai is already out the door.

Life returns to normal; a new normal. Soobin doesn't give the manager any more grief about penciling him in on a Saturday night once in a while. He isn't interested in partying every weekend anymore and there’s no more need to try to avoid Kai. He spots him from across the room two or three times, as Kai comes in or as he leaves. They don't speak, they just nod at each other and that is fine. It feels natural – nothing uncomfortable or awkward about it.

Yeonjun ends up with a black eye after 'celebrating' his one-year anniversary with Kai, but the older man is ecstatic and proud of his injury. During their sparring session the fight had gotten a little too heated at one point and Kai had managed to clock his teacher straight in the nose when the trainer had his hands down to deflect one of the other man's powerful kicks. Of course Kai had lost the fight and had ended up with some bruises of his own, but his talent and drive thrills Yeonjun and he can’t stop talking about him at every chance he gets. It’s as if the older man has taken him under his care, not only as a client but also a friend, maybe a little brother. Soobin enjoys listening to the trainer's stories about his promising student. But he tries very hard not to focus too much on Kai and focus on improving his own life instead.

Yeonjun finally allows him to delete the dating profile, it’s too impersonal and Soobin is put off by that. Instead he tries speed-dating a couple of times – practicing what to say with his friend, but not letting himself become too rehearsed. He goes on a few first dates. A few second dates. One third date.

It doesn't work out.

So far, there have been no _click_. The silences are always awkward and awful and the struggle to find something to say is stressful. With most of them, Soobin is saddened to discover they are mostly interested in him because of his looks and jumps at the opportunity to show him off as arm-candy. But he doesn't let that deter him and he bravely keeps going on dates.

However, one thing starts to become apparent to him: He still can't stop thinking about Kai.

"Refill?" Asked Seokjin who stops by Soobin's booth.

Soobin looks up from his book and then at the empty glass to his left. "Uh, yeah, sure."

A moment later the man returns with his second latte macchiato. "What are you reading?" He puts the hot drink down on the table and cocks his head to get a glimpse of the cover, facing down.

Soobin drops the book down flat on the table and grins up at him. "You don't want to know."

Seokjin laughs. "I'm gonna take your word for it."

He stares as the owner walks back to the bar and continues his quiet chat with the only other patron at the coffee shop. It’s late, but The Coffee Lab is open until midnight for the restless souls. Soobin was dropped off at his apartment by his date for the night at ten; considering their dinner reservation was for nine, one can imagine how poorly the evening had gone. Since he had skipped on dessert to put himself and his dinner-mate out of their misery as soon as possible, Soobin decided to treat himself to The Coffee Labs platter of mini-cakes – and coffee, of course. The book in front of him is merely a prop to avoid looking like a serial killer plotting his next hunt: staring into thin air, looking thoughtful, quietly sipping coffee that has gone lukewarm.

The front door opens, the bell rings and Seokjin greets the late night guest.

Soobin glances up when the person sits down a few booths over, facing him, but not aware of him. He blinks in surprise at the messy mop of black hair and the pair of brown eyes that suddenly notice him too. He smiles at him and raises his hand in an absurdly uncharacteristic, timid wave.

"Hey."

Kai’s lips curve into a small smile.

"Hi."

"Alone?"

He nods. Soobin’s smile widens.

"Want to join me?"

There is a delay as Kai contemplates the invitation, but after weighing the pros and cons, he gets up from his seat and approached him. Soobin quickly closes the embarrassing book he has in front of him and places it cover-down on the empty space of the bench next to him. His palm leaves a wet print on the book as he is suddenly nervous, in an excited way. The younger man sits down across the table.

"Busted," Kai says sheepishly. "Don't tell Taehyun."

Soobin chuckles. "Your secret is safe with me."

"Hi there, would you like to order something?" Seokjin has appeared next to them.

"Plain black coffee and a slice of the ' _C-word_ ' cake, please."

"Noted!"

Soobin watches him leave to prepare Kai's order and then focuses a mischievous gaze on his companion. "I guess you really liked it, huh?"

"Yes. I hate you, by the way," he deadpans, causing Soobin to laugh. "But, a professional trainer told me it's fine to have a little bit of cake once in a while, as long as I keep up my workout regimen. So it should be okay."

"Well, case in point," Soobin nods at the nearly empty plate of mini-cakes and then raises his right arm to flex his impressive biceps unabashedly. Kai smiles so wide until his gums show and it is endearing, the way he subconsciously follows the smile with a loud, squeaky laugh. However, he seems to realize what he’s doing and adjusts his smile into one more proper – no gums or laugh – but it looks too practiced and the smile quickly falters.

"No, don't do that," Soobin urges. "You have a lovely smile."

A blush appears on his pale cheek. "T-Thanks," he says shyly.

"Black coffee and our last slice of the 'C-word' cake of the day," Seokjin announces as he returns and places the mug and plate in front of his customer. "Enjoy."

"Thank you."

"Last one. Lucky," Soobin remarks, looking at the slice of the cake; it is the same coffee, cinnamon and caramel mini-cake he had recommended to the younger man a while ago. The mini-cakes are basically just samples so people can try out the different kinds and get hooked, but Soobin happens to like the variety; he is hooked on all of them. And he likes getting to eat with his hands.

Kai handles the silver fork delicately and takes his first bite.

"How often do you come here?" Soobin starts.

"Once a week." he says.

Soobin smirks. "In that case my professional opinion is that your waistline will definitely be fine."

"What about you?"

"My waistline is _fantastic_ ," he jokes. "Nah, I'm kidding. I'm here almost every day, in the morning. Had a bad date though, so I thought I deserved a treat."

"How bad?"

"Nothing cake can't solve.”

" _That_ kind of thinking is not good for the waistline, trust me."

Soobin isn't sure if he’s allowed to laugh at that remark, given the younger man's history with binge eating, but then Kai shoots him a look that assures him it’s fine and was meant lightheartedly, so he releases a breathy chuckle.

"Are you seeing anyone?" He boldly inquires.

"I went on two dates a while ago, but-... He's nice, but he talks about his fish a lot."

Soobin bursts into laughter. No way. No fucking way.

Kai stills, with the fork halfway up to his mouth and stares in confusion. "What?"

"You're dating Renjun?"

He lowers the fork, looking no less perplexed. "How did you know?"

"I went on a date with him a little while back. Did he tell you about the koi that makes kissing-sounds when it eats?"

Kai smiles again – that beautiful, odd smile. "He did!"

"Mr. Mon!" They both exclaim in unison.

Kai's left hand gestures animatedly. "I ordered monkfish curry on the second date – ordered it without thinking – and the waiter brings the dish. Instead of there being cut up pieces of fish in the curry, the entire, cooked fish – eyes and all – lay in the curry, looking at us! I spent most of evening thinking about names for the little guy, I couldn't help it!"

They share a hearty laugh and Soobin asks: "What name did you settle on?"

"… Dr. Chris P. Fisherman."

Soobin rolls his head back in laughter. "You gave it some serious thought."

"Not just that, at first he was just _mister_ Chris P. Fisherman, but the date dragged on for so long, he went through medical school in the meantime. There was a graduation ceremony and everything."

Soobin realizes his roaring laughter may have been obnoxious, but it causes Kai to smile in that cute way again. Encouraged by Kai's reaction, the older man tells him about his similar date with Renjun, when he had made the mistake of ordering salmon and also began thinking about the name the fish might have had.

"What was it?"

"I didn't get any further than 'Sean', I’m sorry."

Kai scoffs and mocks him. "Boring."

"Hey! In my defense, I was trying to pay attention to what Renjun was saying… about his twenty-three other fish."

Kai laughs into his palm. "I shouldn't be talking about him like this. He's a really nice guy."

"Yeah, you're right, let's just stop it." One more chuckle – more like a snort – escapes him but he shakes his head at himself. "Didn't he stop coming to the gym?"

"For a bit, but he started again a few weeks ago. He works out in the evenings now."

"Ah. He's avoiding me." Suddenly Soobin feels guilty again. He should have just been honest with Renjun, rather than ignore his phone calls, even though the guy is a little crazy.

"For what it's worth, he doesn't seem to be pining for you."

Soobin feigns shock. "But sir, how could he not?"

Kai grins and takes another bite of his cake. "He's actually seeing Rowoon now."

"Rowoon? I don't know a Rowoon."

The younger boy makes a ridiculous face. "Mr. God-is-always-the-right-answer?"

A lightbulb flickers on in Soobin's head and he lets out another guffaw as he remembers a regular at the gym wearing a shirt with that exact text on it. Rowoon is tall and uncoordinated, and looks like a liability suit waiting to happen with the way he maneuvers himself on the elliptical. Whenever Soobin was on floor-duty, he tried to help the man, but there was no working with him and he just kept moving the machine with jerky motions. Imitating Rowoon's sluggish, monotonous voice, Soobin says: "Hi~i," drawling the word the way the man always does, "I have three pet onions and my favorite color is Jesus."

Kai drops the fork to his plate and covers his mouth and nose with both hands as he laughs. His brown eyes are watery. He is quick to compose himself, but he can't amend the adorable blush on his cheeks. He runs his index finger by the corner of his right eye just to make sure he hasn't actually shed a tear. "We are being so mean right now," he berates them both.

Soobin feels self-conscious; maybe he isn't allowed to make jokes like that, considering what had happened in the past, but Kai seems genuinely amused by the harmless banter, so he assumes it is okay, as long as it’s all light-hearted.

After taking a few more bites of his cake, Kai changes the subject. "What were you reading?"

Caught off guard, Soobin bursts: "Er… Nothing!" He stiffens up and places his hand over the book lying face-down next to him on the bench.

Kai curiously leans forward in his seat, trying to get a glimpse. "It's pink, that's interesting."

"A friend of mine gave it to me," _Damn you Beomgyu_ , "More as a joke than anything else."

"Well, if it's a joke, humor me?" The younger man practically pouts. And if he looks adorable a few minutes ago, he looks completely disarming now. Damn it, how can he win with that pout aimed at him?

Soobin releases an exaggerated sigh and then places the book on the table between them, right-side up. Kai nearly chokes on a laugh as he tries to contain it. He molds his face into a serious expression and reads aloud:

" _Why men love bitches._ " He looks up at him. "It seems you still have pretty 'interesting' friends."

"It's actually kind of funny."

"It's written for women though."

"Yeah, but I'm gay enough to be amused."

Kai picks it up and goes through the pages, with a concentrated, fascinated look in his eyes.

Spurred on by the book, they spend another hour exchanging horrible dating-tales and laughing at the universal misery that is the search for a significant other. Sometimes silence falls between them as their laughter dies down, but it never makes Soobin antsy or stressed to find something new to say; he can trust that the conversation will naturally pick up again. No effort required. Eventually, Seokjin has to ask them to leave since he’s closing the café. They both pay some affectionate attention to the lazy Labrador on the floor and pull away when their hands accidentally meet on the animal's soft fur.

"You live close?" Soobin asks once they were outside in the cool midnight air.

"It's about a ten-minute walk."

"Let me walk you home."

Kai cocks his head. "Shouldn't _I_ be the one walking _you_ home? I'm the one who can kick ass, after all."

"True, but I like living right on the edge."

Without any further objection, Kai lets Soobin accompany him on his walk back to his apartment building: an old brown stone with five apartments spread over three floors. It is a very nice building on a street lined with trees; the leaves rustle in the wind.

"Nice," Soobin compliments, looking up at the tall windows. Embarrassed, he says: "I didn't even think to ask what you do for a living. Now I'm curious."

"I work as an IT Consultant."

Soobin scrunches up his face and impishly admits: "That sounds boring."

Kai smiles. "It is. I'm not bothered by it though. What I do for a living doesn't define me; what I do _with_ that life does."

Soobin blinks but then nods, liking the sound of that, as someone who is never able to find an occupation to reflect his identity.

The younger man steps up onto the first of two concrete steps leading up to the door, then turns back to face Soobin. For the first time that evening, Soobin feels uneasy. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt before stuffing both his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans to stop himself. He is acutely aware of how badly he wants to kiss Kai – at the end of what basically turned out to be a perfect first date. But he is equally aware of how inappropriate that would be, given their history. He should consider himself lucky that they are able to be friendly to one another and he shouldn't try to push it any further than that.

Kai mimics his stance – also putting his hands into his pockets – and mirrors his nervousness as well.

Soobin doesn't know what to think, but one question forces itself into the foreground of his thoughts. _Does he want me to kiss him?_ He finds it difficult to make eye contact as he tries to gauge the situation and determine whether a kiss is wanted or not. Up on the first step, Kai is standing at perfect 'kissing-height'. Soobin won't have to bend down; he can just lean forward a few inches to connect their mouths. It would be so easy… but that doesn't mean he’s invited to do so.

Even though it is late, and Kai could've simply headed into his home, and escape the odd atmosphere that has descended between them, he doesn't. He stands there – waiting for a kiss or just being polite?

_I can't do it. I can't risk it_.

Soobin takes a step back and Kai bows his head. "Uh, goodnight. Thanks for coffee – and cake," The older man says as Kai insists on paying the check that evening.

"Goodnight, Soobin," Kai says softly. He pulls his hands out of his pockets and heads up the steps, letting one hand glide over the cast iron railing.

Soobin continues to stare long after Kai has closed the front door behind him without looking back. He can't shake the idea that he just made a mistake, that his fear made him misjudge – or rather, underestimate – the signs. But the moment has passed and as Soobin and Kai both know very well, the past can not be changed.

With a heavy heart, Soobin starts on his way back home.

The next day is a Monday and Soobin is back at the laundromat. The washing machine whirs, hums and rattles as the laundry tumble round and round inside. He watches the motion with tired eyes; he hadn't been able to sleep much that night, just tossing and turning until the alarm went off. He replays the evening over and over in his head: the excitement at seeing Kai, the easy conversation, the laughter, the pleasant, thoughtful silences. It had been perfect; it still makes him smile. What makes that smile falter, though, is the way the evening had ended. It tainted the memory with regret.

Soobin regrets that he didn't risk a kiss. He isn't usually the kind of guy to err on the side of caution, simply because he doesn't have the foresight to avoid risk, or cares enough about what might be on the line. But Soobin cares about Kai; he likes the younger man and he loves spending time with him – that had made him cautious.

More and more, however, it starts to dawn on him that he is missing out on something because of his caution.

It’s preposterous – possibly egotistical – to think Kai could be romantically interested in him after how he used him that night at Pride. How he had turned him around and fucked him against the side panel of the restroom stall, not even knowing his name, not even looking at him. How he let his friends harass him afterward….

Kai said he’s a different person now, and Soobin believed him. Soobin said he’s a different person now, and Kai believed him.

_Still though…_

The machine beeps, interrupting his thoughts. Soobin carries his wet laundry over to the dryer before taking a seat again, resting his elbow on his knee and propping his head upon his chin. He closes his eyes and pictured that night. Kai was standing on the first step, his face close to his. The brown of his eyes was calm and magnetic, thick lashes swept the air as he blinked slowly. His lips were parted ever so slightly. His head was tilted to the left as his eyes slowly fluttered shut.

"Fuck…" Soobin mumbles under his breath, so the grandma across from him, knitting a baby sweater, won't overhear.

_He really did want me to kiss him._

All he had to do was lean forward! It could have been so easy! Why wasn't it easy? Soobin never had any trouble deciphering if someone wanted to be kissed by him or not, and even if he would be wrong, it didn't even matter. But that was a long time ago, and Kai matters to him.

Does that confirm Soobin's fears? Is he just a shallow guy, drawn to Kai because he has gotten hot?

_Kai said he is a different person now, and I believed him. I said I am a different person now, and Kai believed me_ , he reiterates and repeates it like a mantra.

They don't _click_ three years ago because Soobin was a self-absorbed asshole who didn't pay attention to people, and Kai was a timid wallflower who couldn't handle him. But they are both different people now and the people they become _do click_.

The entire day, Soobin waits impatiently for night to fall. He irons and folds his laundry with sharp, rushed movements as if doing the chore in half the time would actually make time go by any faster. The hands of the clock crawl – slower than ever – testing his resolve, giving him time to go through the process of self-doubt over and over; still, he comes to the same conclusion every time: he should have kissed Kai. Even though it might be too late, he’s going to amend that mistake.

At a quarter past ten, Soobin storms through the front door of the gym, not able to wait any longer. Yeonjun is standing by the bank of treadmills, talking to Beomgyu, when he should have been in the 'dojo' training with Kai since it was Monday night, and Kai works out with him from eight until ten thirty.

Both trainers notice him and stare quizzically as he approaches them with a determined look on his face.

"Did Kai already leave?" Soobin asks his friend, a little out of breath from speedwalking the distance to the gym. His nostrils flare.

"No. He's in the back practicing freestyle with the punching bag. _Why?_ "

Soobin doesn't answer him, instead walks past him, calling over his shoulder: "If he kills me, bury me in my porn collections!"

"What? What are you gonna do?"

Soobin rounds the corner into the hallway and, in four big strides, he reaches the doorway of the private training space.

One of the punching bags had been pulled to the center of the room, hanging above the sparring mat. The metal chain rattles and dull blows against the black vinyl echoes in the empty space. Kai's breaths are sharp but controlled. Muffled music comes from his white headphones. He is so focused that he doesn't notice Soobin's reflection as the man stalks towards him.

Kai gasps when Soobin grabs his upper arm insistently and spins him around. He looks up at the pink-haired man with widened eyes. "S-Soobin?"

Soobin doesn't say anything, instead he walks Kai back until he has him pressed up against the wall. He pulls the headphones down around his neck and cups his face in both hands, manipulating the angle of his head, before leaning foward and connecting their mouths. Kai brings his wrapped hands up and grabbed hold of Soobin's wrists, but he doesn't free himself. He returns the savage kiss passionately. They made out to the raspy singing of Shawn Mendes and angry yet sultry guitar riffs as "Mercy" plays at full volume. Soobin's fingers delve into Kai's damp hair; he smells the sweat that has soaked through the front of the man's shirt and tastes the beads of sweat on his upper lip but it only adds to the heady rush. Kai meets his tongue enthusiastically, sparring with it, unwilling to surrender and lets himself be dominated. It thrills Soobin.

The song ends and in the silence before the next track started, Soobin pulls back; all he heard is the sound of their harsh breathing filling the room. The shocked expression returns to Kai's pretty features.

"I should have kissed you goodnight yesterday."

Kai swallows. "… Yeah."

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Kai clears his throat, cheeks pink and lips a little bit swollen. "Yeah."

"Okay." He pauses. "Tomorrow good for you?"

Kai rings his doorbell at precisely eight o'clock, right on time. Soobin jumps and feels a surge of nerves, but quickly composed himself, dusts his hands on his apron and goes to get the door. He shoots a look at his reflection in the mirror by the entry, to ensure he hasn't wiped something onto his face – he has been preparing their meal all afternoon, even starting over once or twice. It would have been easier to take him out for dinner and a movie, but Soobin prefers the personal approach.

He takes a deep breath and pulls the door open.

"Hi," greets Kai, raising his hand in a shy wave. "Your neighbor let me up, I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all." Soobin steps aside, welcoming the younger man into his apartment. He'd been working all morning to clean the previous mess that was his usual living space; it hasn't looked that nice since he first moved in.

Kai takes in the colorful décor, an eclectic mix of gifted furniture and pieces gathered over the years that somehow – according to Soobin's aesthetic – fit together. A mix of Marrakech and East Asian, modern and rustic, and dark colors paired with brights, like the navy blue couch with the neon pillows.

As Kai appraises his interior, Soobin sneaks a peak at him. He wears grey jeans and a black hoodie with the long sleeves rolled up. He looks edible, but Soobin knows that’s not what he should be thinking about.

"You're wearing an apron!" his guest points out.

Soobin cocks his hip and sassily shoots back: "You got a problem with that, cutie?"

Kai giggles. "Not at all."

The host returns to the kitchen to check the food in the oven and in the frying pans. He calls: "Would you like a glass of wine?"

"Sure, thanks."

"Red or white?"

"White, please."

He uncorks a bottle of his favorite white wine – it’s a cheap, supermarket brand, but he personally really likes it; whenever he has friends over, they always compliment it, mistaking it for a more expensive drink. He pours them both a glass and walks back from the tiny kitchen to the small living room, and hands Kai his glass. "Feel free to sit down."

Kai shakes his head, preferring to stand. He takes a sip of the wine and makes an appreciative sound, causing Soobin to smirk. He looks around the room again and concludes: "It's very colorful."

"Thanks! Wait—"

Again, Kai giggles into his palm. "Don't worry, it's a compliment."

Soobin exaggerates his relief. "My favorite color is basically glitter. Yeonjun talked me out of that so I decided on _all the color_."

"It suits you."

"Weird and obnoxious?"

"Unapologetic and bursting with personality."

Soobin points a spatula at him. "I like the way you think, pretty boy."

"What's for dinner?" asks Kai.

"Fishcakes from the oven, roasted brassicas, with puy lentils and haloumi, and herb tabbouleh."

Kai nods and then admits sheepishly: "I'm nodding along, but all I got was 'fishcakes'. The rest sounds like a Harry Potter spell."

Soobin laughs. "Yeah. But trust me they all taste good."

"Do you like cooking?"

"Love it," Soobin answers and gives the vegetables a stir. "Baking too. I just follow the recipes; it's like doing a puzzle that way. It's fun."

"Seems kind of an odd hobby for a personal trainer."

"Not at all. It helps me resist the urge to go to Burger King every day. And like I told you: a treat now and then is perfectly fine. Didn't Taehyun give you any interesting recipes?"

"He did, but I find it hard to juggle all the different ingredients. I felt like too much had to be done at the same time. So mostly I just had a salad with steamed fish, or grilled chicken."

"Or cold turkey," Soobin supplies with a wink.

Kai grins in response. "Yeah, that would be lunch."

"You're gonna love this," Soobin assures him again as he checks on the fishcakes one last time. "It's going to be an explosion of flavors."

"I trust you," Kai retorts and they share a look before both turning their gaze away with a smile. "Can I help you set the table?" Kai is already reaching for the two plates that Soobin had previously placed on the kitchen counter.

"Nonono," Soobin blocks him and waves his spatula in warning. "It was my decision not to go to a restaurant, so it's up to me to take care of everything."

"That's a relief, I really didn't feel like doing dishes later," the other deadpans.

He laughs at the dry remark. "Just have a seat. Finish your wine."

The cook puts on oven mitts and carefully gets the dish out of the oven. He clumsily turns the dial to adjust the heat and puts in the tray of desserts that he fetched from the fridge. He closes the door with a pop of his hip. The timing is a little off on the vegetables; he has to wait a few minutes longer, so he uses that time to finish setting the table, stealing glances at Kai who has seated himself on his sofa.

It dawns on Soobin that he has never entertained a date in his own home before. He is struck by how intimate it is – having all his pictures, books and CDs on display – while at the same time realizing that he doesn't mind Kai seeing any of it. He likes the way the younger man looks; gingerly sitting on the edge of the big couch, thoughtfully sipping his wine.

"How was your workday?"

"A lot of the same old," he answers softly. "But I guess I like that. Did you work today?"

"Hmhm. Two of my clients had leg-day." Soobin rubs his thigh through his jeans. "I can really feel the burn. I always work out _with_ my clients as much as I can. It makes it easier for me to judge how much further I can push them, and I think they respect me for it too. Except cardio – I fucking hate cardio."

"I go running for eight miles every morning. I like it; it's addictive. It frees up the headspace."

"Ohhh…" Soobin mock-glares at him. "You're one of _those_."

A little while later, dinner is served; Soobin invites his guest to join him at the table. He pours Kai another glass of wine and they enjoy a quiet conversation during dinner: talking about their friends, families, and hobbies. It’s the kind of conversation that had bored Soobin on his other dates, but even though he doesn't have any apparent interests in common with Kai, he likes listening to him speak with such enthusiasm.

Kai has great attention to detail that enriched his story-telling – it’s captivating. He talks about his weight loss and fitness journey as well, without malice or making any accusations. Through the process, he has discovered new things about himself as he pushes his body. He likes running, hiking, cycling and rock-climbing; and when he talks about the four weeks he spent backpacking through Australia, Soobin is especially intrigued.

Soobin had spent a year in Australia as part of an exchange program – studying abroad scared him, but he felt like it was something he needed to do in order to grow. He always regretted not having had the spare time to see more of the country beyond his dorm and the college auditorium. Both men marvel at the fact that they were in the Down Under in the same year, at the same time; in fact, Kai had passed through the city where Soobin lived – they could have had their fateful run-in on the other side of the world.

Soobin talks about dropping out of school eventually and trying many other majors at local community colleges, but his problem was that he liked everything yet never really truly loved one thing to justify devoting his life to it. He shares stories about his many jobs through the years and appreciates Kai's clear, understanding eyes. It’s easy opening up to the younger man. Soobin feels safe, like he doesn't need to worry about being accepted. Kai had already seen him at his worst and forgave him, so that time he lied on his résumé to get that job as a masseuse isn't anything he has to try to hide as a dirty little secret.

Long after they finish their plates, Soobin gets up and clears the table to get ready to serve dessert. He proudly walks two small plates back to the table. "Mini cheesecakes with fresh red fruit, black cherries and chocolate sauce," he announces. "Bon appetit."

Kai is clearly impressed and he jokes: "Wow, you are like… a _professional_ gay."

"Mmm, didn't you hear? I have my own Michelin restaurant," Soobin plays along.

The dessert is another success, much like the main course. A second bottle of wine is opened. They continue their conversation after licking the plate clean. Soobin likes how they have both softened their voices and lean forward over the table, literally being drawn to one another. The sight of Kai's lips is becoming distracting, especially because Soobin knows now how soft they are and what an exciting kisser Kai is.

Kai takes the liberty of reaching for the bottle of wine to pour himself another glass, but he stops himself and thought aloud: "Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should head home early." Soobin is taken aback by that; he’s certain his guest is having a good time; he, too, is enticed by their closeness. But Kai puts his mind at ease when he explains: "The sooner I go, the sooner I get my goodnight kiss. I _am_ getting a kiss, right?"

Soobin smirks. "Don't worry about it."

With no real intentions of leaving early, Kai pours himself that glass of wine.

Eventually Soobin forces himself to get up and does some of the dishes before everything will get crusty and difficult to clean. Kai offers to help, but Soobin orders him to sit back down and lets him be a good hostess. He nods at the wall-mounted five-disc CD player above the television set. "You're free to put on some music you like. CDs aren't all in their original cases though, so good luck with that." He flashes a grin.

Kai gets up and walks across the plush living room carpet to the entertainment center; he leans forward to assess the five CDs already in the elongated, rectangular player – the colorful art of the discs visible through the clear acrylic pane that protected them. Kai gasps at something, but Soobin doesn't know what.

He flicks the water tap all the way to the left and soon, hot water came pouring from the faucet, filling up the sink. Suds and steam rise up from the water. He drops the cutlery down to the bottom for a soak and starts scrubbing the glass oven dish.

Suddenly, melodramatic piano keys that he knows by heart fills his apartment and then a clear voice sings:

" _At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by side…_ "

Soobin pivots on his heels and gaped at his guest, who stands by the CD player, grinning.

" _But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along. And so your back…_ "

The other instruments start in and the melody changes.

"I'm not ashamed to admit I love this song!" Soobin calls as Kai turns up the volume.

"I love it too!" He moves his shoulders to the music.

Gloria Gaynor continues to sing the empowering lyrics that had become an anthem at every Pride event. Soobin realizes that the lyrics are an eerie fit for their shared history with only a few exceptions, but Kai doesn't seem bothered by the potentially poignant note – when the chorus starts in he makes Soobin laugh as he enthusiastically mouths along.

" _Oh no, not I – I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive!"_

Soobin pulls off his dishwashing gloves; he closes the distance between them and encourages Kai to dance along with him.

Kai gives him a mischievous look and begins to sing along to the lyrics, his voice is barely heard over the loud music. _"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart. Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart! And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry but now I hold my head up high! And you see me, somebody knew. I'm not that chained up little girl who's still in love with you…"_ He brings his hand up, pretending he holds a microphone and sways his hips to the bubbly beat.

Midway through the third chorus their hips brush and Soobin feels a spark when Kai slips a hand behind his neck. Brilliant brown eyes stare into his. It’s clear neither of them wants to wait until the end of the evening to share another kiss. The laughter dies for both of them when their faces inch closer together until Soobin rushes to close the remaining distance and claims Kai's mouth. He encloses his arms around Kai's lithe frame and presses their bodies together. Their tongues meet, drawing pleasant moans from both of them. His big hands knead the muscles of Kai's back through his shirt before he hikes the hem up to touch the skin of his lower back. Soobin can't resist worming the very tips of his fingers into the waistband of the tight, grey jeans.

Compelled by a deep-seated hunger Soobin blindly maneuvers them around the coffee table and drops backward onto the couch, pulling Kai down on top of him. They remain lip-locked, their hands start to wander to explore the other's body; their pelvises rut together in a way Soobin hasn't done since before he lost his virginity: his senior year of high school when desperate, frantic dry-humping was all he ever did with his boyfriends. It was exciting and wholly satisfying because he didn't know any better yet.

Soobin drags his fingers up Kai's sides, pushing the shirt ever higher up his torso. He feels muscles tensing and relaxing, and ribs expanding with every sharp intake of air. The pleasure intensifies, like roots growing into his abdomen, roots that pulses and flashes white-hot in rhythm with his heartbeat. He relocates his hands to Kai's behind, grasping at the round ass cheeks and taking control of the rolling motion of Kai's hips. Kai lets out a gravelly moan and the roots in Soobin's stomach tighten, they contract and the ends dig further into his body.

A raspy chuckle interrupts their kiss; the song ends and the only sounds are their panting breaths.

"Shit… I could come in my fucking pants right now," Soobin remarks. He lets his head fall back on the soft cushion of the couch.

Kai rains kisses on his exposed neck and works a hand in between their bodies to tug at Soobin's belt. "Then let's get you out of them."

"No, wait." Soobin clamps his fingers around the wrist of that searching hand. "Let's not go any further right now."

Kai looks visibly hurt and it tugs at his heart. "You don't want it?"

"Oh, I want it. Trust me, I want _all_ of it. But we shouldn't move too fast."

"I don't mind, Soobin," he says, raising himself off the bigger man's chest; he peers down at him with lust-filled, but calm eyes. "It's not like that other time."

"I know, but I have a history of moving too fast. I want to do this right; I want us to take our time."

Kai climbs off him and sat back at the far end of the couch. He adjusts his shirt and ran a hand through his hair.

Soobin props himself up on his elbows. "You okay with that?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush you."

"You didn't. We both got caught up in-… in this thing." Soobin chuckles sheepishly. "I don't even know what it is."

"It's attraction," Kai says simply.

Soobin snorts. "Well, I've never felt it quite like _this_ before…"

The younger man finally smiles. "Neither have I."

"I think if we wait a little longer, it will be even more intense. It will be worth it."

Kai releases a sigh and pulls at the front of his jeans, trying to stretch the fabric to make it a little less restricting around his obvious erection. Soobin is thankful his own pair of jeans are a little more forgiving. They share a breathless laugh.

"What now?" Kai asks after a few seconds of silence.

"Now? I'm going to send you off with a goodnight kiss, then I'm gonna get rid of this hard-on by doing the dishes while thinking about horses having sex."

"Jesus Christ." Kai makes an amusingly unpleasant face. "Keep that one to yourself next time."

They get up from the couch and just like Soobin said, he gives Kai a kiss goodnight at the front door – a much tamer kiss than the one from before or the kiss from yesterday. It’s merely a soft merging of the lips, but electrifying regardless.

"Do you have any plans for Friday?" When Kai shakes his head, Soobin follows up with: "I'll come up with something and give you a call, okay?"

"Yeah." Kai leans in for another chaste kiss, and laughs against Soobin's lips when the taller man whispers the word 'Greedy'. He leaves shortly afterward, but instead of doing the dishes, Soobin heads into his bedroom and plants himself face-first on his bed, moaning into the pillow.

"So… You're dating 'Fiver' now?" Beomgyu surmises as he has just pestered Soobin into telling him his plans for Friday.

He can’t help the glare from showing. "Please don't call him that."

"It's just a joke, Soobin.” The younger man rolls his eyes. “Obviously he's not a five anymore."

"But it's not funny, so stop it."

He raises his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. I respect your wishes. I'll be on my best behavior."

Soobin snorts at his false promise. He wipes down the equipment after his four o'clock has just left and tosses the towels they had used into the laundry.

"You really like him," he deduces from his protectiveness. "That's cool."

He smiles. "Yeah, it is cool. Don't butt your nose in it." He points at him in a warning.

"When have I ever?" Beomgyu can't even keep his face straight. "But if it's not too much to ask, maybe next time you decide to barge in here and kiss the shit out of your boyfriend, make sure Taehyun is around to see it."

_Boyfriend?_ Soobin pauses and marvels at the term. Something glows warm and bright in his chest – he likes it. He would like Kai to become his boyfriend, but he knows they aren't there yet.

"Don't tell me he's still not over it."

"Then I won't."

"But he's not?"

Beomgyu shrugs. "I think he has a hard time believing he's gay, because he's not _your_ kind of gay."

"Hey!"

"Come on, Soobin!" He reacts defensively, sporting a smirk. "You're a fucking _queen_ and you know it! He's from a small town and you've sort of defined what 'gay' is to him."

He blinks. "Haven't you told him you are gay too?"

Beomgyu puts his hands on his hips and corrects him routinely: "I'm not gay, I'm bi."

He cocks his head and raised an eyebrow. "Honey," he challenges him.

"I'm bi," he asserts.

Scoffing, Soobin gives him a once over. "When have you last even _seen_ a pussy?"

He narrows his eyes. "I'm looking at one right now."

Soobin rolls his head back and laughs. "I stepped right into that one. Fine, so you're _bi_. You haven't told him?"

Beomgyu purses his lips. "I liked it a lot better when I was meddling in _your_ business."

"Life's a two-way street, Beomgyu. If you veer into the oncoming lane, both cars are gonna crash."

He sticks out his tongue at him – very mature – and then turns and walks away to get ready for his last appointment of the day.

With a more serious tone, Soobin calls after him: "Seriously, Beomgyu. You should tell him."

"Yeah yeah…" He waves his hand dismissively.

Soobin doesn't push the matter further. Coming out – no matter how late in life or how often you've already been through it – is hugely personal and everyone has their own timeframe for it. In that regard, Soobin considers himself lucky that his sexual orientation has always been obvious to everyone because he fits certain stereotypes. It had caused him trouble too, especially growing up in a country like this. Back home, his dad is one of the few people who never took any issue with it and Soobin always admires the old roughneck for that.

The man allowed his son to grow up feeling good about himself and built his confidence back up whenever an ignorant boy at school had taken it down. He'd come to school with him the next day, grab those boys by their shirts, and dunked their bottoms in the stream. He was a man that proved that even if you fit a stereotype – for better or for worse – you could never be defined by how other people saw you; you could still catch people by surprise, so no one had the right to judge you. And he still is that man.

Soobin's dad was also a motorman on an oil rig, responsible for the repair and upkeep of the heavy-duty equipment. When his mom passed away, his dad's days on the oil rig out at sea were over; he became a welder at a steel factory. He drove a pick-up truck and listened to country music. He was a heavy smoker and liked his beer cheap and Older man-made. Year round the only thing clean and pristine about their house was the flag that flew over the porch. Now he’s a bit tidied up. He dutifully goes to church every Sunday, but watching football is his true religion – he still keeps the trophies from his own glory days gone by.

All of these habits that would suggest otherwise, but the man loves his gay son more than anything else, in spite of what smallminded people have to say about that. He learned how to dye hair when his son insisted on trying all his favorites colors and he didn't buy his son toy cars or take him dirt-biking, like the other dads did, because he knew and accepted that Soobin didn't like that. Instead, he bought him an easy bake oven, and when the boy was old enough to be around the real oven, they spent afternoons baking and decorating cupcakes.

That is how Soobin learned that even though he likes glitter, and likes playing with girls and baking, he isn't any less of a boy and he won't grow up to be any less of a man. He’s not weak just because he’s gay and doesn't like getting his hands dirty, and he doesn't need to accept any shit from anybody who tries to tell him otherwise.

That’s probably why Soobin is never going to _be_ a personal trainer, _be_ a waiter, or _be_ a florist. He will never going to fit into a box – he’s always going to have hands and feet dangling out of it, grasping at other things, curious about more.

"Hey, Beomgyu!" He looks over and he walks up to him. His client has already arrived, so he says mysteriously to protect his privacy: "Tell him. He could surprise you."

Soobin isn't sure if that is possible, but he knows better than to think it impossible. People have the power to surprise you – and if they don't now, then they might later because another thing people have is the power to change.

He meets Kai three years ago, when they are both different people who weren't compatible. They have been given a second chance and the people they have grown into _do_ connect. So maybe, after all life's lessons learned, there is one thing Soobin can _be:_ a hopeless romantic.

Beomgyu frowns at him but doesn't respond with his usual quips.

"I'll think about it."

Soobin smiles and then goes to welcome his client who just walked through the door.

Their second date will be a highly unimaginative dinner-and-a-movie.

Soobin is almost too embarrassed to suggest it, but it’s a tried and tested formula that worked for many others in the past – there has to be a reason it became popular enough to achieve cliché-status, right? He makes dinner reservations at a Moroccan restaurant, and the movie would be something uncomplicated that has been out for a while so the theater will be mostly empty, in case they'd just end up talking, or otherwise preoccupied.

Not wanting to look too dressed up – since he will end the night in a likely stained seat with a big carton of popcorn on his lap, spilling the buttered treat all over himself, no doubt – he wears comfortable jeans, the kind he'd wear running errands, and a navy sweater, only opting for his fancier, cognac-colored leather shoes. Standing in front of the mirror, he rolls up one sleeve as a test, then the other. He tries on three different watches but ends up not wearing one. He puts a lot of thought into looking like he has put zero thought in his outfit. For whatever reason, that matters.

Leaving a little later than he should have – calculating on being fashionably late by ten minutes – he walks the short distance to Kai's apartment building. His pace is so quick he ended up only being three minutes late. He presses the doorbell and leans towards the intercom, ready to announce himself, but a buzzer simply sounds and the door unlocks. He smiles; he’s hoping he would get to come up first to see Kai's apartment. He jogs up the steps and knocks on the door. As he waits he rolls his sleeves down again, but instantly regrets it as he notices the wrinkles in the fabric. Before he can hastily roll them back up again, the door opens.

Kai's smile is a beacon of light. His teeth are bright, his lips were pink and glossy – he has just put on some kind of chapstick. Soobin's gaze is drawn to it, mesmerized, but eventually he can't help but glance down. He is wearing a comfortable, black cowl neck sweater, the neckline dropping down low enough to expose more skin than Soobin thinks he would be able to stand for one evening; he’s going to have a hard time resisting the urge to kiss and lick at the throat and the hollow of the collarbone. The light wash jeans he wears are tight and ripped over his thighs and knees. He isn't wearing any shoes yet and he wiggles the toes of his bare feet.

After a mortifying delay, Soobin drawls: "… Hi."

The smile only brightens, but by way of habit he covers it with his hand. Thankfully, he can’t hide the sparkle in his brown eyes. "Hi. Come on in." Kai steps aside to let him in and continues: "I was hoping you'd be a little late, I'm not ready yet."

Soobin smirks. He’s going to be, but the anticipation has quickened his step. "That's okay. I don't mind waiting for a bit."

He stops a few feet into the living space and stares. The apartment is in fact a beautiful, industrial-style loft. The warm hardwood floor is polished to glossy perfection, two walls were exposed brick, the other walls were white and black; the frames of the three tall windows facing the front were black as well. The kitchen, directly to his right, is all stainless steel, reflecting the light of bare lightbulbs hanging down in a cluster over the cooking island, similar to the bundle of lights coming down from the high ceiling to the glass coffee table, crowded by an enormous, grey, L-shaped couch. Partially hidden by a partition of frosted glass is the big bed. Groups of potted plants, strategically placed, added color and life to the space, as well as the interesting collage of different shaped, sized and framed mirrors on the big, black wall.

"I feel intimidated," Soobin unconsciously blurts, as he stands there, staring.

Kai chuckles. "Why?"

"Because you've seen my place and my place… is not… your place." He scrunches up his face. "My place looks like the bedroom of a teenaged girl compared to your place."

At that sentiment, Kai laughs out loud. "I like your apartment!"

Soobin does too, but he feels so self-conscious about that; he feels immature.

"If it helps; the place came fully furnished. Not even the plants are mine."

He snorts and smiles – that _does_ make him feel a little better.

Kai walks past him and sidesteps the partition separating his 'bedroom' from the rest of the space. He calls: "One minute. I just have to put on shoes and pretend I'm late because I couldn't find any clean socks, not because I couldn't decide on what shoes to wear!" Soobin lets out a laugh at the admission, his spirits being lifted further.

Curiosity drew him closer and he casually came to stand by the partition, tucking his hands into his pockets, and observed the bedroom area before simply watching Kai. The younger man retrieves a pair of clean socks from a drawer, and there is only slight hesitation apparent in his movements before he reaches for a pair of black boots with heavy, silver buckles. He walks around the bed and sits down on the edge.

"Good choice," Soobin comments with a smirk.

Kai snaps his head up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, those are cool."

"Thanks." He starts putting on the first sock. "You should tell me where you got that striped shirt from, from before. I really like it."

"Maybe I'll let you borrow it one day."

Kai pouts. "It will be a size too big for me."

"I think it would look good," Soobin mused. "I think it would look really cute, actually, with those super tight skinny jeans."

The younger man blushes. A tint of red appearing on his naturally pink cheeks.

"Those jeans are really…" Rather than trying to find the right word, he finishes his statement with an appreciative groan. As soon as he realizes what a sleaze he’s being – even though Kai only smiles in response – he apologizes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't-… I don't want you to feel like I'm only thinking about your looks. It's not like that at all."

Kai steps into his boots and responds: "It's okay, Soobin. You don't have to walk on eggshells. Besides…" He grins mischievously but is disarmed by the red hue on his cheeks, "I like hearing it."

"Hearing what?"

He shrugs. "That you like how I look."

"You're so fucking hot." Soobin covers his mouth at hearing the words slip out of him, but then he laughs at himself. He rolls up his sleeves again, feeling antsy. "Finish up, Cinderella, we should get going. Before I get too sidetracked."

Kai smirks knowingly and slowly toes off his boots, rather than zipping them up. They fall to the hardwood floor with a loud thud and the buckles rattle.

Soobin bites on his bottom lip. A moan resounds deep in his throat. "Don't do that…" He says, but he doesn't mean it.

Instead of doing that, Kai takes off his socks as well before crawling further up the bed and laying down on his back, with his knees bent and parted; a very clear invitation.

The lavender-haired man chuckles breathlessly. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, wanting nothing more than to pounce on top of him, but also still wanting to be a gentleman and take this guy that he’s falling head over heels in love with on a proper date. "Our dinner reservation is in fifteen minutes."

"We would still make it."

"No," he shakes his head furiously, "we would _not_."

Kai grins in agreement but remains on the bed.

Soobin takes a deep breath and subconsciously wrings his left wrist in his right hand, hard enough to be painful, as if trying to pinch himself to wake up from a dream. "I really want to take you on a proper date," he voices his crumbling resolve. "I don't want to screw this up."

Kai nods, yet still doesn’t move. "I think we stand a better chance at having a proper date if we get _this_ out of the way first."

"This?"

"This distraction." He brings a delicate hand up and lightly touches his chin before ghosting his index fingers down the length of his throat, to that hollow at the center of his collar bones.

"Oh my God, you're killing me," Soobin whines.

Kai lets out a genuine, hearty laugh. "Just get over here, so we can at least make it to the movies on time."

A little too eager, Soobin finally gives in and he toes off his shoes before approaching the bed. Rather than inserting himself between Kai's thighs the way he is dying to and is probably supposed to, he lies himself down on his side next to the beautiful man, leaving a small distance between them. Kai then rolls over to face him, leaving no space to separate them. Their chests and hips are flush together and Kai places one thigh over Soobin's legs; his smaller hand slipping around his neck, under the base of his undercut where the skin radiates heat.

Soobin easily drapes an arm around Kai's waist and, with a splayed hand on his back, he holds him to his body even tighter. Their mouths meet and their lips move together, without any sense of hurry or even purpose. The puffs of air he feels on his face with each of Kai's exhales warm his skin, but the kiss sends shivers down his spine. Tentatively he touches his tongue to Kai's bottom lip; he feels the wanton mouth curl into a smile and the younger man coyly ignores his desire to deepen the kiss. Soobin lets out a low, rumbling laugh.

Finally, Kai gets enough of teasing himself; he suddenly presses their mouths together tightly and thrusts his tongue into the older man's mouth to explore, before beckoning for him to return the favor. Soobin shifts his weight and partially rolls on top of the other. His right hand is trapped under Kai's body but he tangles the fingers of his left hand into the wild, chocolate brown hair to take ultimate control of the kiss. He pauses only momentarily to kiss along the jawline and drags the tip of his tongue down the length of Kai's throat; he sucks on the sharp edge of the collarbone, exposed by the low cut of the sweater's neckline.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait?" Soobin has to ask.

"I'm not the same, shy boy I was," Kai says. "I know what I want." With a growl he flips them both over on the bed, eliciting a surprised yelp out of Soobin who does not expect to be pushed onto his back and straddled by strong thighs. "And I know how to get it." Kai flashes a smirk and sits up straight; with a fluid motion, he pulls the sweater over his head and tossed it aside. He sits back on Soobin's groin and lets the man look at him. His eyes gleam with confidence and pride, and his cockiness is uncharacteristically attractive.

Soobin gratefully stares at the pale chest, the taut abdomen and the flat stomach. The peachy pink nipples are pert. The outline of his erection is obvious. Soobin's big hands seek purchase on his wide hips as Kai grinds down against him. Soobin moans, uninhibited. Still, he hesitates and it’s like the other man can read his mind.

"Don't worry about it." With a sly smirk on his lips, Kai adds: "It's okay to be superficial for a little bit." He places his hands low on Soobin's stomach, slipping them under his sweater. Slowly, he moves his warm hands up his torso, pushing the hem of the sweater up as he goes, until the material is bunched up under Soobin's chin. He leans forward and dips his head down, curling his spine. His hair tickles Soobin's chest before his plump lips land a kiss on his sternum.

Soobin's gasp blends into a breathless chuckle. Kai has an unparalleled effect on him and he suspects it had little to do with the superficial. Kai is beautiful; Soobin had been with many beautiful men – almost exclusively, in fact – but none of them ever made him feel like that – like a simple kiss to his chest can unravel his sanity.

The kisses move all across his chest as Kai's hands work up and down his sides with feather light touches, nearly ticklish. Goosebumps spread over his skin, his breath keeps hitching in the back of his throat. Wanting a quick fix to drive Kai equally insane, he repositions one of his hands to the front of his jeans, to the hard length angled up to his left hipbone. He palms the erection through the denim.

Kai lets out a chuckle that Soobin feels more than he can hear it. He raises his head up and smirks at the lavender-haired man. "Forward," he notes, bemused. "I thought you said we weren't going to make it in twenty minutes?"

Soobin smiles impishly in return. "You've got me all scatterbrained, I didn't know what else to do."

The younger man sits upright again and grabs both of Soobin's wrists to guide his hands up his stomach, brushing the still but itching fingers over his skin, and then places the palms on his chest, the thumbs close to the tempting nipples. "How about you start here?"

Soobin nods eagerly and sits up himself. He places a kiss under Kai's chin, then latches his mouth onto the side of his craned neck. Kai's hands release his wrists and sensually trail up his arms until he reaches the shoulders and then claws at the sweater; understanding what is wanted of him, Soobin removes his hands from Kai's body only long enough to pull off his sweater, laughing at himself as the hem of the neckline got caught on his nose in his haste. The laughter soon dies down, with the sweater all but forgotten. He continues to adore the long neck and shapely collarbone with kisses as he pinches both nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, earning himself a pleasurable gasp. Kai's fingers dug into his hair and massages his scalp, making him feel tingly all over. Whenever Kai could– whenever Soobin doesn't have him roll his head back so he can suck on his neck like he’s about to draw blood – he rains kisses on Soobin's face: on his forehead, on his temples, on his eyes. In the meantime they push their hips together.

Again starting to act on the urgency he experienced, Soobin brings his arms around Kai's slim body and continued worshipping the sensitive nipples with his mouth instead, receiving even more favorable moans from his partner. He digs the tips of his fingers into the waistband of Kai's tight jeans, waiting to gauge his reaction. He smirks when he feels Kai reach between them to undo the buttons of jeans, loosening them enough for Soobin to be able to fit his hands into them. He notes he isn't wearing any underwear and wonders to what extent it’s his plan all along to have sex before their second date.

"While you're down there," Soobin says huskily, "—mind giving me some more space in the front of my jeans?"

The hands work deftly to undo the button and lower the zipper, but rather than stopping there, Kai slips one hand inside and palms him through his underwear. "Oh, shit!" Soobin exclaims against his chest. He lets himself fall back onto the mattress, pulling the other down with him. With their faces level again, they lock their mouths together for another kiss.

Soobin withstands everything for as long as he can: Kai's hot mouth on his, the skilled hand in his pants, the delicious, small sounds he makes.

It’s not very long.

Three minutes in and he snarls like the animal he feels he’s like and rolls them over, pinning Kai down. He ravages his mouth for a little longer, leaving the lips red and swollen and wet with both their saliva, before he sits up between Kai's legs and tugs the jeans down his slim legs, struggling to get the tight ends of the legs over the heel of his feet, but he manages.

He takes a moment and stares at the exquisite body that lies before him; every inch of skin is perfection, glowing with a sheen of sweat, his muscles are toned and defined without bulking up the slender body. Kai has raised his arms above his head, elongating his frame and pale snow white skin– they lay elegantly draped on the black sheets. His wild hair is fanned around his head, eyebrows are pinched together, his jaw clenching and he’s biting his bottom lip in anticipation, but his brown eyes are calm and peaceful, like the eye of a storm, a stillness and a refuge amidst a raging frenzy.

_You are the most beautiful sight I've ever seen_ , Soobin thinks to himself and this thought wrecks him with guilt. He deflates as he feels conflicted about continuing what they are doing. He worries about Kai mistakenly thinking that he’s only interested because he looks different now from how he did three years ago at Pride.

Kai catches on that something is off. He sits up and cups his hands around Soobin's jaw and leans his forehead against his. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want this to be just about sex." He croaks out.

"It won't be," With as smile, Kai tries to reassure him.

"I want you to know you are more than just beautiful to me," Soobin whispers.

"What am I?"

The answer comes to him easily.

"Special."

He has never met anyone like Kai, so magnetic and captivating, someone whose presence is so wholly fulfilling yet, paradoxically, never enough. He is surprised when Kai suddenly kisses him and he can feel the smile on the soft lips pressed against his. He returns the kiss only momentarily before he continues: "I need you to know that regardless of how incredibly beautiful you are, the way you look is still the least interesting thing about you."

When Kai tries to kiss him again Soobin leans his head back, so that time he can see the smile rather than feel it – he looks radiant. Soobin's own mouth twists into a grimace.

"I hate that this won't be our first time together."

"… But it is," Kai offers, following a thoughtful pause. "We're both different people now."

Those words ring true and console him.

"Do you need help getting out of those jeans?"

At the unsubtle change of topic, he laughs heartily. "No. No, I got it."

Soobin stands at the edge of the bed and purposefully strips down. The way Kai watches him heat him up all over again. Giddy with excitement, he climbs back onto the bed and Kai welcomes him, wrapping his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. Their mouths reunite and continue like their kiss had never been interrupted. Soobin grabs fistfuls of his dark hair in need as he ruts against the body underneath him. They moan against each other's lips as their arousals rub together, sandwiched between their abdomens.

He pushes away all thoughts of that awful night at Pride. The hazy, light feeling in his head. The aftertaste of beer mixed with cheap shots. The smell of the urinals. The words carved into the door of the restroom stall. The brief, loveless fuck against the filthy, tiled wall. That wasn't him. That wasn't them.

Kai pushes him away and crawls out from underneath him, only to move to the other side of the bed to fetch a condom and a bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer on the right side of the bed. With a curl of his finger he invites Soobin to meet him in the middle; the taller man eagerly covers his body with his own again. While they share another one of their addictive kisses, Kai manages to pop the bottle of lube and coat his fingers royally. He reaches his hand between them and it disappears far between his legs.

“You sure you don’t wanna me to do that for you, angel?” he whispers into his lips.

“In case you forgot, your fingers are gigantic, Soobin. I don’t wanna come before we even started.” Kai says playfully.

Soobin smiles against Kai's mouth as the younger boy starts to continue the kiss sloppily, distracted by his own preparations and the pleasure it causes him. He doesn’t take too long. He wipes the two digits on his own abdomen and then reaches for the silver packet on the pillow next to him. Soobin helpfully takes it from him, tears it open and puts the condom on himself, feeling Kai's piercing gaze on him.

One of Kai's legs is around his waist but the younger man hooks the other over Soobin's shoulder and he reactively grabs at the thick thigh as he positions himself.

"You're sure, right?"

"Soobin, I swear to God, if you stop now, I—"

He doesn't even let him finish and Kai's impatient tone blends into a drawn-out moan as Soobin leans forward and pushes inside in a smooth, controlled motion that he manages in spite of his own excitement. He drops his head down with a groan and buries his face in the crook of Kai's neck. The intensity of the physical union catches him off guard; he isn't used to sex feeling that way, to means anything. He snaps his hips repeatedly, unable to exert much control as a slave to his own pleasure.

Kai's arms encircle him and short nails claws at his back. "A-Ah, shit, I forgot," he croons between sharp gasps.

"What?"

"That everything about you is big. Fuck, I feel so f-full."

In any other scenario it would have been a boost to his ego but Soobin doesn't appreciate any reference to that previous encounter they had shared, so before Kai can say anything else, he locks their lips together in a demanding kiss. Only after a while does he think to ask: "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No…" he whines, his voice high and breathless, his eyes clenching shut. "Feels good."

He kisses him once more before sitting upright, raising Kai's hips off the bed and maneuvering both of Kai's legs over his shoulders. His fingers dig into the skin, just below his knees, holding onto the legs as he adds more power to each forward thrust of his pelvis. He enjoys watching Kai senselessly burying his hands in his own hair and throws his head back. His mouth is open and moans tumble from his lips incessantly. His erection presses back against his abdomen and Soobin roughly drags his palm up and down the length of it a couple of times.

He knows neither of them will last very long if they keep it up, so he halts their desperate, rocking motion and repositions them again. Being careful to never lets himself slip out of the tight, hot passage, he brings both of Kai's legs over to one side and then lies down on the bed, spooning him. Kai twists his neck to look back at him and for a long time they merely kiss while Soobin lets the fingers of one hand ghost over the plains of Kai's stomach, that time purposefully avoiding the needy arousal.

When he starts moving again it is slow and loving. It’s unlike anything he has ever done before, but it feels right. Their kiss becomes increasingly more distracted and interrupted by deep moans and shallow breaths. The way Kai arches his back is glorious, pressing his bottom against Soobin's pelvis and his shoulders against his chest. His ribs become visible under the muscle and smooth skin; Soobin lets his finger trail up and down the rise and fall of each of them on his way to pinch the nipple.

"Touch me," Kai pleads.

Soobin lets out a breathy chuckle. "I am touching you."

“Soobin,” he whines. "Please…"

The tone of his voice melts down Soobin's mischievous attitude. He kisses him roughly, demandingly, but heeds his request and wraps his fist around his erection. He smirks against the luscious lips feeling his lover tightens around him in response to the bold touch. At first he hasn't been sure if he would be able to achieve orgasm with the slight, slow-paced thrusts that he could manage lying behind him, but feeling the tight grip reassures him that he can come when Kai is ready. Impatient for both their release he pumps his fist up and down, twisting and tightening his hand over the sensitive head.

"Fuck, I'm close," the other breathes out in warning. He turns his head away and buries his nose in the pillow and Soobin resorts to kissing his neck and sucking on his earlobe. "I'm so close, Ah—!"

Kai grits his teeth, staying off his orgasm. Every muscle in his body tense up and he starts to tremble. Soobin clenches his eyes shut, his own climax suddenly dangerously close as well.

"Yeah, baby, come on… Take us there."

Kai cries out as his orgasm hits him. His body goes rigid after he sucks in a final breath. The first bursts of semen shoot out onto the bedsheets while the last of it leaks onto Soobin's hand. The intimate muscles that tighten around Soobin's cock take him over the edge as predicted; he reactively sinks his teeth into Kai's shoulder and moans uncontrollably around the mouthful of flesh. He keeps pumping his fist and rocking his hips for as long as he can until his body lost all strength and he can do little more than lay pressed up against Kai's sweaty back, his thick arm loosely drapes around the smaller body of his lover. Kai relaxes too, with a shuddering exhale and his hand found Soobin's, laying limp on the bed, and he entwines their fingers.

All Soobin can smell is Kai: his sweat, his sex, his hair product, the faint traces of a lavender body wash, the unique scent in his pillows, and that smell of new clothes and leather shoes from the open closet behind them that is so distinctly _him_ , somehow. Soobin gladly bathes in it and he hopes the perfume will linger on his skin and in his hair.

Regrettably he has no choice but to detach himself from the other, if only briefly, so he can pull out before his member would go completely soft. He takes off the condom and struggles to tie the end; his fingers are shaking. Once the task is completed, he looks around himself awkwardly. In past situations he would have simply tossed the used condom on the floor without a care; but in past situations, he would either be in an already dirty restroom stall, a dark alley or a grungy motel room – not in the interior-design-digest-bedroom of someone he wishes to have more than a one-night stand with.

He leans over his lover and his heart melts at the peaceful look on his pretty features. His eyes are closed and if he isn't already fast asleep, he’s certainly close to it. Soobin hates having to do this, but he clears his throat and impishly starts: "Uhm… what do I…?"

Brown eyes slowly open and Kai readjusts his upper body slightly to look up at Soobin leaning over him, with the condom pinched between his thumb and index finger. The dark-haired man lets out a short laugh at what must have been a pathetically uncomfortable and confused expression on Soobin's behalf. He sits up and takes the condom from him and gets up from the bed, avoiding the stains he makes on the sheets. Soobin watches him walk out of the secluded bedroom area and hears him open a door somewhere – the bathroom, presumably. The pale figure returns after a few minutes, still shamelessly nude and tosses a warm, damp washcloth Soobin's way with a smirk.

Soobin sits up on the other side of the bed, throwing his feet over the edge, and uses the washcloth to freshen up. He laughs when he feels Kai tug hard on the sheets he’s sitting on top off and he stands long enough for him to rip the top sheets off the bed; he then bundles them up and disposes of them in the corner. The lavender-haired man is seated on the edge of the bed again when he feels the mattress move as Kai crawls over to him. He grins when he first feels two warm hands on his shoulders that give him a squeeze before running down his chest, gliding over his pecs and abs. Kai seats himself behind him, with his knees on either side of him. Then Soobin feels the hot mouth on the side of his neck and almost simultaneously there is the tickle of wild bangs against his jaw.

"So, about that threat you were going to make?" Soobin teases.

"Hm?" Kai relocates his mouth to kiss ear.

"You said: 'I swear to God, if you stop now-'. What would you have done?"

"Nnnn. We both know you weren't going to stop."

Soobin chuckles. _True_. He doesn't continue his teasing; instead, he enjoyed Kai's loving ministrations in quiet. He smiles when Kai slips his fingers into his hair that must have become messy during their tangle in the bed. Long, delicate fingers rake through the mass of hair, occasionally grazing the back of his ears and neck, giving him goosebumps. After a while of stroking and playing with the soft strands, the younger man presses himself against Soobin's back and leaned his head on his shoulder.

"I've never had sex like that before," he admits in a whisper.

"Like what?"

"So close." Apparently dissatisfied with his own answer he elaborates: "I've never felt so close to someone."

Soobin smiles. "Me neither."

"I liked it."

"Good. Because we'll be doing it more often," he cheekily asserts. He laughs when Kai pinches his sides.

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yeah."

"Promise?"

"Hmhm." He places his hand on the back of Kai's head and pulls him close for a kiss. "Not right now, though." He chuckles at the other's exaggerated pout. "Daddy's hungry."

"I'm pretty sure we missed our dinner reservation."

"I know a place. Get dressed."

" _Bossy_ ," Kai jokes, but he crawls to the other side of the bed and climbs off to collect his clothes off the floor, helpfully tossing Soobin's shirt his way when he comes across it.

Soobin is ready before Kai is. He waits in the living room, by the open bathroom door, and tries not to grin watching the other fuss over his hair, trying to style it in a way that makes it a little less obvious it got messed up in bed. Satisfied that he looks presentable, he emerg from the bathroom and defiantly meets Soobin's gaze.

"I'm not vain," he says in defense.

"No, you're not," Soobin agrees. "You're proud." He lets his eyes trail up and down Kai's body to once more appreciate how good he looks in that black sweater and the tight jeans. "As you should be."

Kai smiles in response, that gums showing smile and squeaky laughs until he routinely covers his mouth with his hand.

Soobin gently grabs his wrist and lowers his arm. "You should be proud of that too," he says, but the endearing smile falters.

"Of what?"

"Your smile. And laugh. They’re beautiful."

Kai snorts. "Soobin, I'll be the first to agree that my eyes are beautiful; my fingers are beautiful; my ass is beautiful." he winked, "My smile and the way I laugh…. they’re not beautiful."

"Why would you say that?"

"It's just… I don’t know… so loud and weird. I can’t stop doing it."

"And you shouldn't, they’re cute."

Kai rolls his eyes. "They’re not cute, they’re awkward. They…" He shrugs as he struggles with words. "They’re that kid's smile and laugh—that kid I used to be."

"It is," Soobin concedes, as he remembers seeing it first that night they meet at the bar during Pride. "I like it." He says the words reverently. He reaches out, steadies his hand on Kai's chin and runs his thumb along the bottom lip.

Kai frowns at him, confused and bemused by the sentiment. A light blush appears on his cheeks. He shakes his head, causing Soobin's hand to fall between the two of them. "Whatever." He smiles again and makes a mockery of himself by sticking his tongue all the way out.

The older man laughs. "Let's go. I'm hungry."

They walk out of the apartment hand in hand and Soobin guides him through the streets until, after a short walk, they end up in front of a cheesy, greasy, cheap restaurant. Soobin holds the door open for his date.

"Romantic," Kai remarks sarcastically as he takes in the dusty, faded-red lampoons strung across the ceiling, and the gaudy, golden dragon figurines that littered the interior. The simple tones of a string instrument blend with the indiscriminate chatter of the guests. Both of them laugh as they recognize the song at the same time: Call Me Maybe.

"Soobin!" Calls the chef through the serving window.

Soobin waves in return; then places his hand on Kai's lower back and guides him to a table for the two at the back.

"So, you come here often," the dark-haired man concluded.

"Not at all," Soobin lies, before calling the waiter over by his name. Kai shakes his head at him. "Can we have the menu and red wine, please?"

"Not the usual?"

"No, I have a guest," Soobin nods at Kai seated across from him.

The waiter swiftly returns with two menus and a carafe of cheap wine.

"What would be 'the usual'?"

Soobin folds out the plastic menu and hids behind it. "You don't want to know." His dry tone elicits a laugh from his partner.

"Do you bring a lot of dates here?"

"You're the first."

"Hmmhh." Kai hids behind his own menu before Soobin can peek at him to try and figure out what that meant.

They order an obscene amount of food but the waiter is hardly fazed. Once the table is loaded up with a variety of dishes and they have their first few bites to satisfy their immediate hunger, Soobin admits: "I've never really been in a long term relationship." He pauses his meal to meet Kai's gaze, ignoring his own shame.

"Okay." He seems unsure why the other has brought that up.

"I just thought I should warn you… Since you're going to be the first."

Kai looks down at the bowl of noodles in front of him and digs around with his chopsticks. Soobin feels his heart clench painfully until he catches a glimpse of a tiny smile tugging at the corner of the younger man’s mouth. "Oh, yeah?" Kai retorts mischievously, the smile turning more bold and smug.

Soobin smiles in return. "Yeah," he asserts.

"I guess I have no say in the matter, then."

"You really don't. This is happening, whether you like it or not."

"I've…" Kai looks up at him, his eyes genuine, his smile gone. "I've never been in a long term relationship either."

If it’s possible, Soobin’s smile gets even wider. "Good."

Kai blinks at him. He chuckles. "G-Good?"

"Yeah. We'll get to experience a lot of 'firsts' together. I like that." He offers Kai a confident smile.

"We're going to fuck up a lot of 'firsts', probably."

"I laugh in the face of danger."

They share a quiet chuckle and continue to eat, trying all the different dishes and feeding each other from bowls that are on the other side of the table. When Kai has sauce on his lips, Soobin puts his chopsticks down and runs a thumb across the bottom lip, swiping off the sauce and then teasingly sucking on his own thumb. His face goes red when Kai's foot suddenly meets his under the table and their calves line up.

The Half-American grins teasingly at him. "Maybe we aren't going to make it to the movies either after all."

Soobin doesn't mind the sound of that at all and he slowly nods in response.

"Soobin?" Kai's tone is serious as he speaks his name. "What if I get fat again?"

The question catches him off guard, if only momentarily. When he blinks he sees that kid from Pride sitting across from him. " _Fat"_ seems like too harsh of a word, but definitely chubby – wearing that hideous, loose-fitting shirt that he hoped to hide his shape in. Soobin takes a moment to give the question honest thought; he doesn't want to hastily say anything only to appease Kai. He knows that isn't what is wanted from him.

It doesn't take him long to realize that it won't matter, because when he thinks about Kai, he thinks of him dancing and singing along to "I Will Survive"; he thinks of him enjoying the "C-word" cake at The Coffee Lab; he thinks of "Dr. Chris P. Fisherman": he thinks of their first kiss to "Mercy"; he thinks of his beautiful, brown eyes and – most of all – he thinks of that gummy smile and that loud squeaky laugh. Even though it is, ultimately, their looks that brought them together, their looks can’t break them apart. A sense of peace settles over Soobin and he smiles.

Kai bites down his lower lips nervously, waiting for the answer.

"I guess if you gained weight again, we definitely wouldn't make it to the theater in time."

The bites down his lip even harder, about to misinterpret the meaning of his words.

Soobin elaborates: "Sex would just take a lot longer."

"Why?"

"Because there would be more of you to love; worshipping every inch of you would take a while."

Kai smiles brightly, with his gums and teeth showing before he laughs, loudly, abashedly. His hand moves, but he doesn't raise it to cover his mouth, he sneaks his arms between the plates and bowls that clutter the table and covers Soobin's hand with his, giving a light squeeze.

Soobin has never felt happier. A happiness he wants to hold onto forever. A happiness he wishes everyone in the world could have – Yeonjun, Renjun, Sweater-vest Jisung, Mr. God-is-always-the-right-answer… even Beomgyu, maybe with Taehyun. Life is not about _being_ a florist, a cruise ship waiter, a fucking masseuse, a personal trainer, a hopeless romantic or someone's boyfriend; it’s about _being happy –_ all of that other stuff is just a possible means to an end and he doesn't have to settle for anyone of them, if it’s not a means to his happy ending _._ But being with Kai does make him feel that way. Soobin physically relaxes as his restlessness is replaced with an unexpected sense of contentment at simply being happy with Kai.

The sparkle in his eyes must have been obvious because Kai teases: "You fucking sap."

Soobin leans forward to steal a kiss from his lover.

"And proud of it."

They both burst out laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! I'm back with another of my usual sookai oneshot after what, a month? Two? This quarantine life is messing with my head I don't even remember the last time I checked AO3....
> 
> It's common knowledge that my fics are long as fuck, but this fic is on another level. I was planning to end this at 15k but then I went past 18k and 20k and so on until I didn't even realize that I created a 28k+ monster. All because you guys keep leaving nice comments under my latest fics (ILY YOU'RE THE BEST) so consider this as a present!
> 
> Because I really enjoyed writing from Soobin's perspective last time I'm doing it again now, and yeah there's an attempt.... at humor. My last fic was so ansty so I'm trying to write something different. I don't know if you guys like it but just know I'm trying my best :)
> 
> Anyway sookai really messed with my mind they're getting braver and braver by seconds and I can't deal with them. Thanks for reading and please tell me your thoughts after you finished, I would love to hear more from you guys :)


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